People, Please!

Sometimes I'm embarrassed that I have a subscription to People magazine. Spoiler Alert! As I went through today's issue, week of March 3, 2008, there were so many things that jumped out at me that just sounded ridiculous. Save yourself the $4.95 or whatever it is and just read this.

Page 8--In the Correction section, it says, "In our Feb. 4 issue, we should have said Christopher Upton was born a year and a half after his parents, Willie Aames and Victoria Weatherman, were married. We regret the error." Now, I don't know just what the error is. In the Feb. 4 issue, did they say Christopher was born a year and a half before his parents were married? Did they say why all three of them have different last names? Do I care? I can't flip to the Feb. 4 issue and check, because I give my copies away soon after I read them. Sometimes an hour after.

Page 15--There's a picture of top model Milla Jovovich carrying her baby, and my first thought is, "Oh my god, she looks so bad without makeup on!" I am disgusted with myself for having the thought, and change it to, "Wow, she looks so different without makeup on!"

Page 16--Picture of Patrick Dempsey at the airport. He's crouching down, looking back at something, and has a sort of unpleasant look on his face. The caption says, "The Grey's Anatomy star...travels in style." Travels in style? He's wearing a leather jacket. Big whoop.

Also on page 16, a photo of Mischa Barton's "new look", comparing it to Gwyneth Paltrow's, because they both have long blond hair. This is news??

Page 21--Title of article: WEDDING BELLS FOR JAMIE LYNN! Oh, yay! And on the next page, it talks about Britney Spears' posthospital life (I'm not kidding, they wrote posthospital life): on a picture of Britney it says, "Spears looked pretty and was in a good mood" at a recent dinner with girlfriends. Well, thank god she looked pretty.

Page 41--I found out that this song I like, called "Low", is by a guy called Flo Rida. FLO RIDA??? Who told him that was a good stage name? Did they give him that name? Is he from Florida? Is he a low rider? Oh my god, I think that's one of the worst names out there. It's right up there with Rose Royce, who did "Car Wash", another song I like.

Page 51--Brangelina and the kids play in the snow. Enough already, let them be!

Page 55 has a story about the Olsen twins, "Inside their Strange World". Girls have been in front of the camera since the age of 9 months--they've always been inside a strange world!!! They're up there with Michael Jackson and Britney. I feel for them for being put in that world by their parents. For shame!

Page 65--Robert Irwin, the 4 year old son of Crocodile Hunter star Steve Irwin, was recently bitten by a baby boa constrictor. "He was so proud to have copped his first hit", said his mother. ?????????????????????????? I can't even elaborate on that one.

Still with me, readers?

Page 73--All about Tori Spelling. Who knew she was so pregnant with her second baby? She has a new memoir that I actually like the title of. It's called sTORI TELLING by Tori Spelling. Cute. She wants her son to read it when he gets older and be proud. And then come all the excerpts about how she didn't love her first husband and slept with someone who was also married, but they loved each other after 12 days, so it was okay. That's her son's father, by the way, Dean McDermott, now her husband. I hope they stay together.

Page 86--Lisa Rinna talks about how to eat (or not) on the day of the Oscars so you can fit into your dress. For breakfast she has a can of Red Bull and a banana. One of her "must haves"--Dexatrim Natural Green Tea Formula: "curbs hunger".

Page 88--Lindsay Lohan re-creates a Marilyn Monroe photo shoot. It shows covers of magazines where she's re-created looks, starting in 2004--four years ago, she would have been 17. She's only 21 now!!! STOP! STOP! Things like this will mess you up!!!

That's it, readers, a week's worth of smarm and smut. I guess I should go listen to NPR for counterbalance. Sigh...