A Diet That Really Works!

Are you having trouble getting rid of those last pesky few pounds? Have you tried every diet under the sun? Is exercise just too strenuous?

Have I got the diet for you!

It's called The GI Virus/Orange Juice/English Muffin Diet, and it really works! In just 5 days I lost 3 pounds! Here's all you do:

1) Find a place with an outbreak of a GI virus, such as a preschool or large family. Hang out with the group for a week to 10 days. When you start to feel just a little "not yourself", you're on your way!

2) Eat soup out of a can the first night, instead of the healthy balanced meal you had planned.

3) The second day is when the diet really takes effect. Get knocked out and lie in bed with a fever for 10 hours straight, getting out of bed only to throw up. It's easier than yoga! You'll sleep with no interruptions and sweat your fat away! Some people even get delusional and have wonderful dreams!

4) Drink whatever you want at the end of the fever period. Orange juice will taste like golden nectar. An English muffin will keep you satisfied.

5) The next 2 days are slightly unpleasant, as the little you've put in your stomach will immediately "run" out. Don't tell your thoughtful friends, who have brought you all manner of goodies. Don't let them in on the fact that you've lost your sense of smell, either. It's good to have friends!

6) You should see results on the 5th day. Unfortunately, that will be the highlight of the diet, as your appetite will come back and all the weight you lost is sure to return as well. Just record your low weight on the calendar and know that it can be done, if only for a short time.

Remember, throw that Purell away and get goin' with the GI virus!

Good Enough to Eat

I tutor Japanese people in

English conversation; I am

often served a snack during

our tutoring sessions. Check

out the aesthetic delight I

was served the other day:

Dessert provided by Trader

Joe's; presentation by Chikae.

Well done!

American Idol on the Brain

After dinner, Hiro and I went to the ice cream place. One guy behind the counter had his back to us; when he turned around, I gasped. He looked like a white Ruben Studdard from American Idol! Don't you think so???

Clean Plate Club

Hiro and I went to eat dinner at the Indian place. We were talking for about 10 minutes; I looked up and saw what his plate looked like compared to what my plate looked like. Guess he was hungry.

My Idol

I had a dream last night that I slept with Simon Cowell, the "mean" British judge on American Idol. This was after he told me I went from a size 3 last year to a size 10 this year, and I let myself go. Didn't seem to faze him, though, after I flirted a little. As we started making out, I apologized out loud to his longtime girlfriend.

We were on the top bunk of a bunkbed, and Randy Jackson, another judge, was at the foot of the bed, not paying attention to us. Right at the "moment of truth", I sat up,wanting to make sure Randy wasn't there anymore. The moment was lost, and Simon got up to do something. I did too, but went back to the bed. He came back over, Randy was nowhere to be seen, and we continued...

I'm into dream analyzation. What does this dream mean? Let's see...I love American Idol, and I think Simon is hot. Makes sense. I'm having issues with weight gain. Okay. I sleep in a loft bed, so the bunkbed makes sense. What's the deal with Randy Jackson?

Any ideas? If you have trouble leaving a comment here, send it to me via email. I'm curious!

New species

Saw this guy waiting for the train. Doesn't he look like a human turtle?

It's That Good!

Here's a quiz: You're in a mall, and you see a line of about 30 people. What are they waiting for?

a) a celebrity sighting

b) a book signing

c) white rice

The answer, at this particular time, would be c), white rice. Sarku, the Japanese place in the food court at any mall, has about 3 items on their menu, and they're known for their teriyaki chicken and white rice. You've probably sampled their little chicken pieces on a toothpick, admit it. And damn, it's good!

Today they ran out of white rice, and the next batch wouldn't be ready for 20 minutes. Those of us who didn't really care had fried rice or noodles, but some people held out, those purists.

As I was waiting for my meal, I watched as they prepared fresh chicken on the huge grill. Normally, seeing raw meat makes me feel ill at ease, but this display nearly caused me to throw up right then and there. I don't know if it came from a bucket or what, but suddenly they slopped what looked like liquified chicken all over the grill. I turned away so I could enjoy the end result.

And enjoy it I did, unlike the ungrateful woman whose boyfriend waited the 20 minutes to get her white rice, while he had noodles. My friend and I watched as she picked at her meal. I felt like yelling at her, "Ingrate! There are starving people in line who would kill to have that rice!"

But I kept my mouth shut, for once. And my tummy full. Yum.

Techno Love

TV: Oh, hi, PC! Didn't think you'd actually show.

PC: Wasn't my choice. It's trash day.

TV: So you wouldn't have...

PC: Sony, it's over. The spark just isn't there anymore.

TV: That's 'cause I'm not plugged in! Ha...get it? Not...plugged...in. Come on, P, give me another chance.

PC: I've given you too many chances already. Why don't you go find yourself a nice laptop and leave me alone?

TV: That hurts, P. That really hurts. And so does this Christmas tree up my arse. It's March, fer Chrissakes! What the hell are you doing here?

Tree: Yo, how do you think I feel? Everyone else is partying it up on the curb January 1st, and I'm left to dry out while the Mr. and Mrs. decide what to do about the condo! Who moves out? Do they sell? He's worked too hard to just walk away from this property! Sheesh. The decorations were ripped off me like I was being strip searched. I felt so...violated. And then just tossed back here to rot with hunks of plastic and wires. Uh...no offense.

TV: Whatever, dude. Here comes the trash truck. PC, hope you get past dial up someday.

PC: Don't you worry, I've got a date with Hi Def tonight.

Tree: Oh man, please let that Golden Retriever keep walking. Keeeep walking...