Countdown to Halloween

The other day a dad at school told me about a costume he once made for Halloween. He wore tennis whites; shorts, shirt, sweatbands, the whole bit. Then he made a gruesome hand out of papier mache and stuck it to his back. Ready?

He was a tennis pro with a vicious backhand!!!

That rivals one of my favorite costumes, The Madonna/Madonna! (seen here with newly adopted David)

No Halloween parties scheduled yet, but it's always good to be prepared...

Happy Fall!

Now that's a fresh apple!

More from the Early Ages

Written right before I saw Pre-Modern Pharmacist, while eating dinner at Panera:

I don't understand the baguette. What is appealing about a bread that looks and feels like a lobster without its appendages? It's so hard to rip apart, you end up gouging it with your fingers. I feel like a cave woman. Ugh! I beat my chest in frustration.

The middle part of the shell of bread does go with the soup, however. I'll deal.

Me Want Drugs!

There's a pharmacist at my local CVS who looks exactly like one of the Geico cavemen, I'm not kidding. He has long, scraggly curly brown hair, a full beard and mustache, and a Cro-Magnon-shaped face. He wears a white button down shirt, a tie, and dress pants. He looks like early man trying to fit into modern society. I have to keep from laughing every time I see him. Dude, get a haircut, and maybe shave a little!

The Scent of a (Single) Woman ('s Studio)

The other day I went out to breakfast with my friend Sophie and her daughter Kate. I had a scrambled egg, and Sophie had a fried egg. Her egg looked so good, I told her the next time we went out I wanted a fried egg.

Today I have the day off. I decided to get fancy and I made a fried egg for myself. It was yummy, though I always get scared that I'm going to get salmonella from eating a runny yolk. I put the air purifier on to get rid of the fried egg smell, and went out to do an errand.

Came back an hour later, and now my apartment smells like fried egg and cat poop. Thanks a lot, Shelby. Looks like we're going to get a visit from our friend Mr. Bleach Cleaner!

Do the Funky Chicken

The other day our school went apple picking. There was this toddler there who was hanging out with a chicken. They kept doing the same thing! From the top...
1) On the fence
2) Walking away
3) Squat down...
4) and up again!

Time to Go Through It

It's that time again...I'd collected about four containers worth of papers, and it was getting a little out of hand. As usual, I dumped it all on my couch and made myself go through it. Probably took about two hours. I shredded a lot of stuff.








My goal was to have everything fit into these three boxes.




Great news! Not only did I fit everything into just two boxes, but I found $60 in cash, leftover from my birthday in April! The next step is to immediately go through these two boxes and file everything in its proper place. I swear I'll do it next weekend.

Bobby with a Bulb

My grandmother used to have a lamp exactly like this. It looked like a British policeman to me, you know, a Bobby. See the hat, and the small space for the face, and the puffed up chest, down to the slimmer legs? Can't you see the brass buttons? I think of my grandmother and Bobbies every time I see one of these lamps.

Haunted Haircuts?

Looks like the local barber shop is ready for Halloween!

Umbilical Pot Pie

I go to this place called The Soup Factory for takeout sometimes. They have the best chicken pot pie ever. It has a flaky crust at the bottom, chicken chunks and veggies in the middle, and another flaky crust at the top. It's yummy, and very filling. Every time I eat it, I tell myself to blog about it, and I never do. I just had to put it to the side so I could write this.

The crust at the top is hard to cut up with a spoon, but I usually manage to do it. The crust at the bottom, however, is impossible to cut. I always try with a spoon, and I always give up, deciding in the end to gnaw at it with my molars. Every time I do, I get an image of me as a mother cat gnawing at her newborn kitten's umbilical cord. That's exactly what I feel like when I'm at the bottom of my chicken pot pie. Ah, the miracle of birth! How delicious.

Mystery Solved

I teach English conversation privately, in people's homes. One place I go to is a high rise luxury apartment building. They have signs outside advertising studios and 1, 2, and 3 bedroom apartments with amenities. There are 10 floors, and lots and lots of apartments. The place is huge!

After going to this building on a regular basis, I noticed that there seemed to be a striking number of college aged people living there. A lot of them know each other, and go from floor to floor via the elevator. It resembles a college dorm building at times. I wondered, "Is this a dorm? How can students afford these apartments?"

Last week my curiosity got the best of me, and I finally asked two young people who were in the elevator with me. I said that there seemed to be a lot of college aged people around, and they said that they were mostly Boston University students. I then asked, politely, how college students could afford luxury apartments.

The students both got red in the face, and the girl said, "Well, my parents pay for mine." And the boy said the same thing. They agreed that most students' apartments were paid for by mom and dad. That's what I had thought, but at least now I knew.

Note to families: Do not rent an apartment at this apartment complex, unless you like loud parties on weekends!

Orange You Glad I Blogged?

See this orange? See how it's cut? It came like that. That's the Japanese way of serving oranges. It's easy to eat that way, and not messy.

What you do is, you get a bento box at the local Japanese restaurant, and if you order what I did, you get a little piece of teriyaki chicken, a little bit of white rice, a few pieces of lettuce and tomato with soy sauce dressing, and two slices of orange. It's perfection in a meal.

Tom and Mary Go Downtown

Mary: Tom, it says here in the Kelley Blue Book that the Ford Taurus isn't worth jack these days!

Tom: Oh god, are you talking insurance fraud again?

Mary: Could you not put it that way, please? Look what happened after just one day downtown. They got the back door and passenger door off, but they left the radio and hubcaps. Must've heard someone coming in the middle of the job...

Tom: You know, Mary, you seem to know a lot about illegal activities. Is there something you want to tell me?

Mary: Oh, you're so dramatic! Why don't you get that rolled up newspaper out of your ass and live a little! By the time they strip our ride, we can clean up with the insurance money and maybe take a trip somewhere. I was so silly to leave the car unlocked, wink wink!

Tom, under his breath: And I was so silly to answer that personal ad.
Uh, Mary? There's something I have to tell you. I'm gay.

Mary: Yeah, and I'm the queen of fucking France. Get in and drive, Pretty Boy.

Recycle Guilt

Question: If I switched to using a canvas bag for grocery shopping, where would I put the cat shit?

See, my bathroom is way too small to put the cat litter box in, so it's a ways from the litter box to the toilet. Consequently, I scoop the litter box contents into a plastic bag and throw it in the trash. Easy, no mess, no smell.

I use paper bags for recycling the newspaper and other paper that I shred.

I suppose I can buy brown paper lunch bags for the litter; we'll see. Till then, I'm trying hard not to feel guilty every time I go to CVS.

Driveby

Here in my neighborhood, we have so little crime that people resort to sticking decals on their cars to make it look like they've been riddled with bullets. Ooh, that's so badass!

FedEx Fun

Do you know about the arrow in the FedEx logo? Look inbetween the orange E and the x.

Now find the teaspoon in the purple e.

Once you find them, you'll see them every time you see a FedEx truck. Have fun!

Fall-out

Forgive me, Readers. It has been 10 days since my last post. I will say 20 Hail Bloggers.

It will be fall in a few days.

Pom Pom Puppy

This is Gizmo. He was the cutest dog I saw today. I think he weighs 6 pounds, about half of what Shelby weighs. He's a Pomeranian puppy; he's losing his puppy fur, so he should be a lot fluffier in the coming months. I hope I run into him again.

Katydid!

Wow! My friend Kari commented that the creature I saw at the T station was a katydid. I Googled it, and sure enough, it was, thanks, Kari! That is beyond cool. Katydids are related to grasshoppers and crickets. Did you know that they change colors to adapt to their environments, and that there are pink ones?? Katydids are found in grassy areas. And T stations.

And I'm still glad it didn't fly in my hair.

Poser, Part Deux

If could do this pose, I would rule the world. Hmm...seems that I wrote that exact sentence in my Feb. 21st post, entitled, "Poser". But I tell you what, that's how I feel when I look at the Athleta and Title Nine catalogs. I see these strong and powerful women in these amazing poses, and I wish I could do them. Not that I'm going to yoga right now, but if I was... and I was 25 years old...MAN!

Sure, I could think of Dara Torres as my inspiration. She won Olympic medals at 41, soon after having a kid. If she can do it, I can do it! But my knee hurts sometimes. And I have two jobs, and a very needy cat. And I like to sleep, and I like cake. So for now, I'll look at those catalogs. And dream.

Flippa Flappa

I was just at the T station waiting for the train, and this...thing flew past me and landed on the opposite platform. It was a big thing; I didn't know if it was a bird, a bat, or a moth. It flew, it didn't hop. When it landed, I could see that it was green. Could it be a giant grasshopper?

I went over to see, and I'm still not sure what it was, but it was some sort of grasshopper imitating a leaf thing. It was really big, I'd say about 2 1/2 inches long. What the hell kind of wings and legs it had to enable it to fly is beyond me. It let me take pictures of it without flying into my face, thank god. The picture doesn't do it justice.

I'm sooo glad it didn't fly into my hair.

The Night Before

Micro: Puffy, this is wrong. I know it's wrong. But it feels so...right.

Chair: Shhh. Baby, ain't nothing wrong with love.

Micro: I know, but...but...I always thought I'd be with...I'm sorry. An...appliance. A hot plate, or a gas stove, hell, even a refrigerator! But I knew you and I had a connection, the day I moved in. Steve would always heat up dinner in me, and then go sit in you. It was like we were living our relationship vicariously through him...does that make sense?

Chair: I know exactly what you mean. I felt it too. How could I not? Whatever came out of you was so...hot. Damn! I'd hear those buttons...beep, beep, BEEEEP! and I knew you'd be close to me, soon as that door swung open. But it wasn't close enough. Until now.

Micro: (sigh) Yes. Now. It's hard to believe, isn't it? It feels so good to be in your arms. You're so soft. And puffy. And...and...(sniff) it's all going to come to an end tomorrow morning! That weaselly little desk lamp told me that a big truck was gonna come, and separate us, and...and...it's not true, is it? Say it's not true!

Chair: Aw, Baby, Lamp is just mad 'cause Couch told him he didn't have enough watts to light up her life. Don't listen to him.

Micro: Hold me.

Photo Project Incomplete

I have this photography project going; I've been doing it for many years. It's in my head. Here's the project:

There are some people in the world I could never get tired of looking at. I would like to photograph these people and make the photographs into a book, a big coffee table book. The thing is, I never actually take the photos because I don't know how to get the subjects.

I see people on the subway or just walking down the street who are, to me, very interesting to look at or just really really good looking. What can I do? Go up to them and say, "Excuse me, I'm doing a photo project of people I could never get tired of looking at. Could you come to my studio so I can take your picture?" They would think I was crazy! I don't know what to do, so I just do nothing. I've been doing this for about 10 years. I actually know some of the people I'd like to photograph, and I suppose I could approach them...I could say I'm doing a portrait book. That would be true, but not the whole truth. I'm still thinking about it.

I think the best looking man in the whole world is Johnny Depp. Just saw him in the movie Chocolat. I could look at him and look at him and never get tired. Could you?

They Are Everywhere

The other day I went in to school to meet a new family and show them around. There was no one else at school because we're still cleaning up and getting ready; school starts next week.

After they left, I was straightening up one of the cubbies. I was by the basement door, which was open. A guy who was in the basement whom I didn't know comes over to me and says, "You work with kids?" I said yes, because I was in the nursery school and thought he had heard me with a kid earlier.

He said, "Wanna see something? Come here!" and he goes into the labyrinth of the basement. My goodness, is it my lot in life to be introduced to serial killers, or what? Like I'm about to go down into a basement with a stranger, with no one else around. Yeah, right! "Wanna see something?" That has got to be the oldest line in the book for serial killers!

Once again, I had to think fast. I was just about to tell him that I was really busy, and back quickly up the stairs, but then he said that he was part of the Boston Camera Club and he had a huge roll of paper he'd like to donate to us. I saw it. I saw all the camera equipment. We introduced ourselves. We talked for a few minutes.

Did I feel like a jerk for suspecting a fellow photographer of murderous intent? NO! I'm sure he still was a killer--a killer with a hobby, trying to lure me with paper for the children. Well, I'll take the paper, all right, it'll be good for our painting easel. And maybe write Jim a nice thank you note. It was a nice gesture.

Scenes From Around Town

I came upon the following scenes while walking around during the past two weeks. At the top, we see a still life nature scene on a bench. I call it, "Still Life with Sticks and Beverage Containers."

In the middle photo we can witness the generosity of people in my town. Where else can you find free hair color and ironing starch at the T station?

Lastly, someone was protecting their giant dead sunflower. We are kind in this town. "Please Do Not Take. Thanks!"

Take a walk today and look around you. See anything out of the ordinary?

Breakfast Blues

Last night I used up the last of my milk, so I was planning to go to Starbucks for breakfast this morning. I mean, with no milk in the house, I couldn't drink my tea, and what else could I drink? Water? I don't think so. Besides, there was nothing to eat. No more cereal, which I couldn't drink anyway, with no milk.

I decided to eat some yogurt so that I would at least have some protein before I ate a 400 calorie muffin. Lo and behold, I found the leftover Yoo Hoo from last night's dinner at the new Tex Mex place up the block. I also remembered that I had English muffins. And a banana. So I guess I'm all set for breakfast.

Starbucks will have to be a mid-morning snack.

apple? or Apple?

I'm at my computer, and I just heard on the TV, without looking at it, "Next: some news that apple lovers can sink their teeth into!" My very first thought was that Apple was coming out with some new feature on the iPhone.

I turned to look at the TV and saw apple trees. Oh my god, they were talking about real apples, and I was thinking about a product. I am under the spell of advertising moguls. Lord help me.

The New England Aquarium--It's a Whole Other World

Notes from Observations at Starbucks

8/20/08

I should have been an anthropologist, I like observing people so much. I wish I knew as a child there were so many things you could be. Is it too late for me to be an anthropologist?

I begin my study at the local Starbucks, one that is not on the list of 600 that is slated to close. There's an old man in the corner, trying to read his newspaper in peace. He can't seem to relax. A boy at the table next to his rocks in his chair. The man admonishes him, "Stop doing that!" the boy's grandmother says, "Listen to the gentleman."

Across the room, a Starbucks employee is training a newbie. The trainer has such an annoying voice, it's almost as if she's a caricature come to life. That cannot be her real voice. Her inflection is loud and so nasal it's like she's speaking through the space between her eyes. If I had to work with that voice, I'd apply for a job at Dunkin' Donuts.

A man comes in and talks to an employee at the employee entrance, the side of the counter. The old man looks up at them in annoyance. They are disturbing his newspaper reading.

A young man gets settled with a bottle of water and a newspaper. A beautiful young woman comes in, and the guy says to her, "Would you stop following me?" He's joking; they clearly know each other. He stands up, and they chat. She shows him the book she just got. He stands close to her and looks her in the eyes. He says positive things about her book. He is interested in her. She moves on, and playfully taps him with the book. She is not interested in him. "Stalk you later!" she says, walking away. She has made his day. And all these observations have made my day. Until next time...tall iced hazelnut latte!