Bedside Manner 101

Young Nurse was nice at first, chatty, and she did what everyone should do in the ER--tell you what she's doing. She said she was going to give me an IV, and right before she put it in, she said, "Big pinch." I was prepared, and it wasn't bad. I did a little name dropping; one of my good friends is a doctor at that hospital, and I wanted her to know who she was associated with.

Young Doctor, however...he spoke to me in a condescending tone, and didn't seem to realize that I was a person, not a textbook. He said to me, "Have you ever had this before?" but he didn't really look at me, and he sort of sounded like a robot. His tag said STUDENT, so I asked him what year he was. He was fourth year, going to graduate in May. I congratulated him, and changed his name from Young Doctor to Junior.

Senior Doctor came in, and that's when I really let loose. Apparently, when I'm in shock, I'm like myself, times ten. Watch out. I started shouting out one liners. Among them:

SD: So, what happened?

Me: My palms started getting itchy. I didn't know if I was getting money or having an allergic reaction!

and later...

Me: Doctor, I got stars all over my arm, what's happening???

SD, giving me steroids intravenously: Do you use steroids?

Me: No, I work out naturally!

As the medicine started pumping through my veins, the adrenaline started wearing off and I began trembling uncontrollably. It was really weird; I couldn't stop. I asked Junior why I couldn't stop shaking, and he monotoned, "I think it's just nerves. You'll be okay."

Me: So you're telling me to fucking relax?

That got a big laugh out of Young Nurse. Later, they were both in the hallway. You could hear everything anyone was talking about. Young Nurse said to Junior, "How is she?" and he said something I couldn't hear, and YN laughed. Next time she came in, she said, "How are ya, Trouble? Just kidding." Trouble. I'll give her trouble, all right.

Thank goodness there was a shift change, and an experienced RN took over. She was great. Kept asking me if I was okay, was very sweet, and talked to me like I was a person. I slept for a little while, and after four hours, I was ready to be discharged. Upon leaving, I had to throw out one last one liner:

Me to RN: Hey, did you know the brand name of those latex gloves is "Esteem"? Do you feel better about yourself when you wear them?

Next day, my doctor friend told me I was a hit in the ER. I'm glad, but I hope to never repeat the experience again. I'm going to have a nice long chat with my allergist next week. Next up: The subplot...