Beware Birthday Speeches

Recently I've attended two adult birthday parties, a 40th and a 50th. Big celebrations, with lots of family and friends around, toasts, and speeches by family members, namely parents.

At the first party for my friend C, her dad started to give this speech about her birth. How, when she was born, she was the most beautiful baby,(awww) and she cried so loudly, (oh!) but then she turned out okay (aww) even though she cried so much (oh!), etc. Okay. Then Dad said, "And then her brother S was born. And when he came out, whoa! Was he funny looking! He had this big red mark, and his head was pointy. He looked like a mushroom!" All the guests had frozen smiles on their faces. We were scared to death. He went on and on, and somehow he finished, and we said Happy Birthday to C.

Later on, I went up to the brother and told him that he was a good-looking man. He laughed and said thank you. At the end of the night I went up to his wife and said the same thing. She looked at me blankly and suspiciously. Oh my god, she thought I was hitting on her husband right to her face! I said, "I'm referring to the speech." "Oh", she said, "I've heard that story so many times..." Oh my god, that wasn't some tipsy dad speech?? He's said that before? Poor guy.

I thought that was an isolated incident, but apparently this kind of thing happens. Yesterday I was at my friend T's 50th. His mother got up and told the story of Mrs. So-and-So, who had all those cats, and when T was a little boy, he and his friends were playing Cowboys and Indians, and they were practicing the lasso. They lassoed one of the cats and hung it on a tree. T thought that by pulling on the lasso, it would make the loop looser, so they kept pulling and pulling, and finally T went into the house to tell his mom, because the cat didn't look right.

At this point, I almost shouted out, "Happy Birthday, T!", but I didn't dare interrupt the story. The audience was waiting for a happy ending. Well, along came these Boy Scouts, just then, and...they rescued the cat! NO, that's not what T's mom said! She said that they thought T and his friends had a problem and they should be committed. The End, Happy Birthday, T.

And then T's father got up and said that when T was born, he (the dad) was in the bushes, throwing up. The End.

Oh man, ain't nothing like some birthday speeches to make one proud to be alive. Next time you're celebrating a big one, just hold your breath while the parents are talking, so you'll have a lot of air saved up to blow out the candles.