Perfect Fit!

Remember that bowtie I got? Thing was so big I couldn't even finish it. I tore off both the ends (the "loop" of the bow) and ate those. I saved the "knot" for later. Turns out I had the perfect container for it. I just love when something fits perfectly in a container, like the knot of a bowtie donut in a Rubbermaid container. It balances things that are off-kilter in this world, like war.

So Little Time...

I have so many posts I want to write, but there will never be enough time. My mind thinks too quickly to write them all down. Sometimes I write ideas on a piece of paper; I almost never get back to them. I haven't written about the crime show re-enactment I cracked up at, my experience with jury duty, or the feet of a doll I saw once. Those are just a few examples of what's "inside my head." I have so many pictures I could post. I'll start with one, anyway, since it's still snowing in Boston. Here's me at the base of Parking Lot Snow Mountain. More to come, I promise!

Echo at the Donut Shop

I was just in the vicinity of a Dunkin' Donuts, and I was having a craving. I figured I'd get my favorite, a chocolate frosted, for dessert. It was almost dinnertime.

I went in, and it looked like Old Mother Hubbard's place. There was nary a donut in sight! No chocolate frosteds, for sure, a lone butternut, and some muffins. I guess if you want to get the good stuff, you go at 7 am, not 5 pm.

There was only one woman at the register, and she was making some chocolate whipped creamy concoction that took forever. It gave me time to decide if I wanted the butternut, which might be stale, or a bunch of donut holes. I finally settled on a bow tie; might as well get the biggest thing in the place and get my money's worth. A few seconds in the microwave and it'll be good as it was at the crack of dawn.

Time to make dinner so I can have dessert.

Prince's Shoes Spawn Surgery?!?

Oh my god. I just read that Prince may or may not have hip replacement surgery, due to his funky moves and wearing of high heels for years. Because he's a Jehovah's Witness, he might not have the surgery because they don't believe in blood transfusions or something like that. I also read that he's in serious pain, and that his calendar has been cleared for two months. If he didn't have the surgery, he would walk with a cane. Is this what can happen if you wear high heeled boots every day, do the splits, and jump off the top of baby grand pianos for 30 years? Hey, I've had friends who have had HR surgery who do not do those things. And they're fine. But what if HE'S not?

Oh god, oh god. Please let him be okay.

Private Plate

Do you ever eat differently when you're alone in the privacy of your own home? Like, are you not as neat? For example, say you were eating something a little sloppy, like corn, and it kept falling off the plate, would you put the plate up to your mouth and just scoop it in, because no one was looking?

Or just say, for instance, you were eating some salad, and there was a big piece of lettuce you put in your mouth, would you just suck it up and resemble a cow, instead of cutting it in two, like you would if you were with company?

Would you drink the melted ice cream from the bottom of your bowl, until you got every last bit?

I'm not saying that I would do any of these things. I'm just asking if you would. Just curious.

Demented Dentist

Looky what my dentist has on the coffee table at his office:

Nice.

People, Please!

Sometimes I'm embarrassed that I have a subscription to People magazine. Spoiler Alert! As I went through today's issue, week of March 3, 2008, there were so many things that jumped out at me that just sounded ridiculous. Save yourself the $4.95 or whatever it is and just read this.

Page 8--In the Correction section, it says, "In our Feb. 4 issue, we should have said Christopher Upton was born a year and a half after his parents, Willie Aames and Victoria Weatherman, were married. We regret the error." Now, I don't know just what the error is. In the Feb. 4 issue, did they say Christopher was born a year and a half before his parents were married? Did they say why all three of them have different last names? Do I care? I can't flip to the Feb. 4 issue and check, because I give my copies away soon after I read them. Sometimes an hour after.

Page 15--There's a picture of top model Milla Jovovich carrying her baby, and my first thought is, "Oh my god, she looks so bad without makeup on!" I am disgusted with myself for having the thought, and change it to, "Wow, she looks so different without makeup on!"

Page 16--Picture of Patrick Dempsey at the airport. He's crouching down, looking back at something, and has a sort of unpleasant look on his face. The caption says, "The Grey's Anatomy star...travels in style." Travels in style? He's wearing a leather jacket. Big whoop.

Also on page 16, a photo of Mischa Barton's "new look", comparing it to Gwyneth Paltrow's, because they both have long blond hair. This is news??

Page 21--Title of article: WEDDING BELLS FOR JAMIE LYNN! Oh, yay! And on the next page, it talks about Britney Spears' posthospital life (I'm not kidding, they wrote posthospital life): on a picture of Britney it says, "Spears looked pretty and was in a good mood" at a recent dinner with girlfriends. Well, thank god she looked pretty.

Page 41--I found out that this song I like, called "Low", is by a guy called Flo Rida. FLO RIDA??? Who told him that was a good stage name? Did they give him that name? Is he from Florida? Is he a low rider? Oh my god, I think that's one of the worst names out there. It's right up there with Rose Royce, who did "Car Wash", another song I like.

Page 51--Brangelina and the kids play in the snow. Enough already, let them be!

Page 55 has a story about the Olsen twins, "Inside their Strange World". Girls have been in front of the camera since the age of 9 months--they've always been inside a strange world!!! They're up there with Michael Jackson and Britney. I feel for them for being put in that world by their parents. For shame!

Page 65--Robert Irwin, the 4 year old son of Crocodile Hunter star Steve Irwin, was recently bitten by a baby boa constrictor. "He was so proud to have copped his first hit", said his mother. ?????????????????????????? I can't even elaborate on that one.

Still with me, readers?

Page 73--All about Tori Spelling. Who knew she was so pregnant with her second baby? She has a new memoir that I actually like the title of. It's called sTORI TELLING by Tori Spelling. Cute. She wants her son to read it when he gets older and be proud. And then come all the excerpts about how she didn't love her first husband and slept with someone who was also married, but they loved each other after 12 days, so it was okay. That's her son's father, by the way, Dean McDermott, now her husband. I hope they stay together.

Page 86--Lisa Rinna talks about how to eat (or not) on the day of the Oscars so you can fit into your dress. For breakfast she has a can of Red Bull and a banana. One of her "must haves"--Dexatrim Natural Green Tea Formula: "curbs hunger".

Page 88--Lindsay Lohan re-creates a Marilyn Monroe photo shoot. It shows covers of magazines where she's re-created looks, starting in 2004--four years ago, she would have been 17. She's only 21 now!!! STOP! STOP! Things like this will mess you up!!!

That's it, readers, a week's worth of smarm and smut. I guess I should go listen to NPR for counterbalance. Sigh...

Break Time

My friend Sophie asked me to come over and have cake to celebrate her birthday. I guess I am leaving the house today! I packed up what was left on the couch--not the one box I had had in mind, but I'm making progress. Shelby says, "Finally, you got all that crap off the couch so I could have my favorite spot back!"

Don't you just love my hour-by-hour posts? Plenty more where this came from; I have no plans tomorrow, either!

Lllooosssinnggg Steeeaaammm...

Here's what my piles look like now. Oh god. On the couch is what I need to go through, the white wastepaper basket is for things to be thrown away, the cardboard box has paper to be shredded and recycled, the table has a pile that I'm going to put back in a box, and on my armchair is a pile of papers to put in my work file.

I'm finding papers that I needed when I returned from Japan, and letters from former Japanese students. I came back from Japan in 2002. I'm finding condolence cards from my dad's passing in June. I've sent out one postcard I got for a friend four years ago, and an article for another friend I clipped last year. Better late than never! My fingers have that yucky dirty film on them.

Johnny Cash has been replaced by Prince. I'll get lots of work done listening to songs like the one that's on now, "Pussy Control." In the chorus there's a guy who shouts, "Vagina!"

I'm going to wash my hands.

School Vay-cay

This is my project today. Last day of vacation week from school, we're supposed to get 6-10 inches of snow, I ain't steppin' my foot outside the door. I took 3 boxes of stuff I had, cleared one pile of paper from the top of a file box, and put it on the couch. I'm gonna go through it and pare it down to one box (can't clear it all). I feel so PRODUCTIVE!!!

In between paring, I will blog.

Listening to Johnny Cash helps. Have a good day!

Poser

Look at the cover of this catalog. That is my ultimate fantasy pose. If I could do that, I could conquer the world. If I met that woman in person, I would fall to my knees and bow to her. Until then, I'll keep trying to kick ass at the gym, which is hard when your trainer makes you ride a stationary bike until you almost puke. I will not give up!

Tax Update

A faithful reader wanted to know the update on my taxes. I went home, got the proper SS card, and went back, smiling. I said to the guy at the desk, "Hi!" He said, "You got it?" We exchanged pleasantries, and I sat down to wait.

I got my taxes done (yay, refund!) , and still made it on time for my haircut!

And that's the fkng update.

What's in a Name?

When I was in my mid-twenties, I went through a major identity change. I won't say crisis, because I don't think I was confused; I just wanted something different. One of the things I did was change my name.

I was born Alexandra Campbell Hartnett in 1968. Campbell was my mother's maiden name. I had never liked the name Hartnett; this was before the days that Josh Hartnett became famous. No one could pronounce it: "Har-nett? Harkneck? Fartnett, ha ha!" Very funny.

My mother had died a few years prior, so I thought about just dropping the Hartnett and going as Alexandra Campbell. That would have been sensible. While I was considering that, somewhere along the way I got another idea. I thought, "Well, everyone calls me Alex. Maybe I'll just go by that." I don't know where I heard that you could have just one name, but I got stuck on that unique and crazy notion. I had to be different. It wasn't enough that I had just shaved my head and gotten my eyebrow pierced.

I was still a rule-follower, so I went down to the court and did it legally. I joked around with some official there, and he said, "Heck, one lady came in and wanted to change her name to a number!" I guess people do all kinds of things. My dad didn't mind that I had dropped his name; my brother was the one who was insulted, because now he and I wouldn't share a name. Sorry, bro.

So there I was, Alex, just Alex. It says Alex on my Bachelor's Degree. My credit card had it, and it was in the phone book. I was legit. After a few months, it got old. I grew to dislike saying, "My name is Alex, just Alex, no last name. Like Madonna." Some business couldn't handle it. On one student loan I was Alex Alex; on another I was Al Ex. Identity change over, thank you very much.

After a year and a half of Alex, I went back to the court and changed it to Alexandra Campbell, to be closer to my deceased mom (and still not liking the name Hartnett). And that's the way it's been since 1996. Grew out my hair and got rid of the eyebrow ring and started to look like Little Miss Conservative. And then I discovered tattoos...

Fkng Taxes!

I just went to get my taxes done. I've been going to the official government building for years; if you make under a certain amount (and I always do), you can bring in your stuff and they do your taxes for free, in about 15 minutes. It's great!

The first year I did it, I didn't bring my social security card. This is a big mistake. Every year there's at least one person who forgets their SS card, and when they are told they can't do their taxes without it, they yell and curse and make a big stink. I learned the hard way that first year, and was very proud of myself last night when I took mine out from my special folder where I keep it. I wouldn't be forgetting my card this year!

It was going to be such a productive day. I got out of the house at 9 am, took the T to Govt. Center, and went up to the IRS office. I pulled out all my papers, including my SS card. The man looked them over and said, "What's your last name?" I told him, and he said that my SS card didn't match my name on my W-2. I had thoughtfully brought along the papers that proved I changed my name (that whole story is for a different post), but the higher-up said that I had to have my SS card reflect the change. I started cursing and apologizing. "Fuck. Sorry. Shit. Excuse my mouth, it's just. Goddamn. Fuck. Sorry." I sounded like I had Tourette's.

Turns out I had brought my old SS card. Goddamn! Now I'm back here at home, got the right one, and am going back. I had to blog this to get it out of my system. Let's hope I get this all done in time for my 12:30 hair appointment. If not, my stylist Anthony will be hearing my sailor mouth.

Fun at Bugaboo Creek

Last night my friends Geoff and Diana and their two kids went to Bugaboo Creek for dinner. It's a good place for families, with animated forest creatures and a lodge-esque feel. Last night there was also an impromptu free show.

Geoff and I had the best view. There was a boy about 18 months old, who was flinging his french fries, one by one, off his plate. Kid had an amazing backhand. He'd get one, and whoop! it would go right behind him and onto the floor. He did that with about 6 fries, and none of the 3 grownups there did a thing to stop him.

I gave commentary so Diana wouldn't be left out. "Whoops, there goes another one! Wait, wait, he's going for the bib...smack! Right into the head of a man at the next table!" Said man took the bib and threw it onto one of the jackets at the table, and the woman gave him a dirty look, unbelievable!

The boy's finale was when he took his teenage sister's whole steak and dropped it on the floor. Oh man, there goes $14.95! Geoff and I were doubled over with laughter, and his daughter Calle got an idea: "I'm going to throw my food!" Three grownups in unison: "OHNOYOU'RENOT!"

Always somethin' good goin' on at the Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse. Even worth the stomach pain you get after eating a fried Bunyan Onion.

more out of the mouths of babes

Today, one of my former kids, who's six, was saying things to see what my reaction would be. She said, "When I was at Corner Co-op, you hit me in the face." I said, "I did? I don't think so. Did I, by accident, like did I turn around and accidentally hit you?" She said no, and then she said, "But would you ever do that?"

I told her that no, I would never never do that. I said that if I am ever very angry, I walk out of the room.

This girl has been to my one-room studio apartment. On the way home in the car, she said, "You know what? It's too bad if you're ever angry at your house, because you have nowhere to go."

I told her if I was ever angry at my house, I open the door and go into the hallway. She seemed to ponder that; I hope it was an acceptable answer.

Marc, he's in!

Some people want to be talked about in my blog and will either say it outright (Why haven't we ever been in your blog?) or drop a major hint (Marco, Marco, Marco! You never mention my son...). Usually, I post about things I've actually seen or heard. In the interest of keeping friends and getting a raise voted on by parents at my parent cooperative preschool, I will tell you a story about another one of my adorable kids.

Calder is special because he was the first kid to actually request "Rock Lobster" after I introduced it to the group, and he makes like a shark instead of the lobster I demonstrated. This boy thinks outside the box.

Here's a funny thing he said, told to me by his mom: He said, "Mom, I need chopsticks because I have chopped lips." What a great quote! Wish I had heard it from his mouth, but alas, it was told to me. Lately, Calder's all about Star Wars. Maybe I'll hear something good about Dark Vader and the Life Savers.

One More Marco

Last Marco story for awhile, unless he does something outrageous today. The other day he was taking blocks out and building, as I was telling him it was clean up time. I tried to negotiate by saying, "Okay Marco, one more bunch, but that's it, because it's really clean up time!"

I left the room for a few minutes, and when I came back, his structure was even bigger. I said, "Marco, you're still building!" He told me something about his building, and I said, "But you're not listening to me, that's the issue." He replied, "But that's not my issue."

Leave it to Marco to stop me in my tracks. I said, "What's your issue?" He said, "My issue is doing what I want. That's my issue." And he liked the word "issue" so much, he kept saying it over and over, smiling; "Issue, issue, issue."

He made me feel like I had issues, so I left the room again and let his mother take care of it.

Happy Valentine's Day!

More Marco

Marco, at 4 years old, has already gotten a staple in his head, twice. Yesterday he got his second one removed, and I asked him about it. He said, "Yay! I can fall again!"

I asked him if he had a slit in his head where the staple was, and if money would come out if I turned him upside down, like a piggy bank. He thought that was pretty amusing, and came over to me to see what I would do.

Well, of course I turned the little whippersnapper upside down to see if any money came out of his head. I shook him a little, and he cracked up. I made a big deal out of being disappointed that I wouldn't get rich from his recovery. When his mom came to get him, we did it again.