Still in Love

The other day I was at the home of one of my kids. We were all sitting around, talking. The subject turned to the President.

Pauline (Mom), talking to Ella, 7:

Alex is in love with Barack Obama. (pause)
You know who else is in love with Barack Obama?

Ella: Michelle Obama?

Confession to my Blog

Blog, blog,
I've been such a hog
And I haven't been
All that truthful.

My fingers are flyin'
For two others, and I'm tryin'
To make it seem
Like it is useful.

One website's a job
Volunteer, I'm no snob
And it's greatly improved
My life's outlook.

The other's for friends
I don't mean to offend
Okay, I'll just say it
I'M ON FACEBOOK!

I'm a three-timing bitch
Gotta scratch that damn itch
But I'm making my way
Back to you.

My heart string's entangled
In this big love triangle
Join the fun
It's the right thing to do!

Love Poem to my Blog

Blog, I don't mean to ignore you.
Please, I really implore you.
Wait for me
Creativity
Is taking all forms
I adore you.

I Beg Your Pardon?

When I was in California the last time, my friend and I were walking a particular strip that had panhandlers every few yards. We came upon two benches; each bench had a person sitting on it with a sign. We actually heard the guy panhandler say to the woman panhandler, "Is this where you usually are? 'Cause I can move up a bit."

So considerate. He did move up the block a little so as not to infringe upon her begging.

Stack o' Dinos

The Bremen Town musicians in prehistoric days.

Montecore and his cheetah friend aren't any help.
Remember Montecore? He's the white tiger that "helped" the magician Roy, of Sigfried and Roy, when he had a stroke onstage.

Other titles for this photo?

HDTV--Hell and Damnation Tele Vision!

Can I just vent here a second? It's about my TV.

See, we've all been getting the warnings about the end of the world that was supposed to be coming on February 17; now changed to June 12 or something. I reasoned that I'd never bought a new TV in my life, and in fact had never paid for one, so it was time for me to bite the bullet and get with the program. I bought a brand spanking new flat screen HDTV. And got cable. And thought all my problems were solved.

Wrong.

I thought, you get a new TV, you plug it in, and boom! Clear picture, you can see beads of sweat, pores, the blades of grass on a football field. No. If you have basic cable, you don't have HD cable. If you don't have HD cable, some channels are crystal clear, and some aren't. You still have to have an antennae. And you have to switch back and forth between I don't even know what, to work off of some signal or radio wave or ass crack to get a clear picture.

I have two remotes, one for my TV, and one from the cable company. Yesterday I couldn't even get a picture. My friend came over and somehow got the picture to come on, but she didn't know what she did to get the picture. It worked for several hours, then I turned off the TV and went out.

When I turned on the TV again, no picture. I pressed every single button, made some changes, made the changes back, pressed buttons again, to no avail. I missed one of my favorite TV shows.

It's 8:00 am on Sunday morning. I want to turn on the TV. I'm scared that if I turn it on and I get no picture, I might do something I'll regret later. Maybe I'll just go back to bed.

Orangutan and Kangaroo Get Married

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here together to witness the marriage of O. Rangutan and K. Angaroo. The Honora-Bull, presiding.

Z. Bra is happy for the inter-species union, but T.Grrr is still bitter, having been jilted by O for K. See her menacing, growling face? Things got ugly as she started talking trash right when O placed his hand over K's. When she made a crack about K.Angaroo's pouch being more of a paunch, and K responded by asking T if she wanted a punch, the cops were called and there were pigs all over the place, and bull shit, too.

O. Rangu is hanging in there, and K.Anga is still hopping mad.

Why I'm Not Going to the Gym Today.

I had every intention of going today. I even packed my gym clothes in my gym bag and schlepped them to school and then to my haircut, thinking I would go straight to the gym afterwards.

But when I got out of my haircut, my back was all itchy from the stray hairs that get caught down there, and even though I knew that was going to happen, I tried to not think about it. Until it happened. And all I wanted to do was go home and take a shower. And plus I somehow broke three nails at school today and I wanted to go home and clip them properly and file them, because I might really do damage at the gym with broken nails. Like bend one back all the way and have it start bleeding all over the place.

And also, I had to go to the bank. I was going to go to the bank that is right next to the gym, I planned it that way:

work
haircut
bank
gym

But then when I got out of my haircut it was really windy outside. And I wondered if maybe the tornado that blew through the midwest was maybe gonna come here, and did I want to walk in a tornado after getting all sweaty at the gym, and I decided that no, I didn't want to.

And it's a good thing too, because when I got home, I got an email from my lawyer with a (!) symbol, telling me to call him right away. Important business to attend to, tomorrow. Like, what I've been waiting for for over a year.

So...I'm sort of thinking about that, and that caps it for reasons I am not going to go to the gym today. And I'm not going tomorrow, because the Bugs Bunny Film Festival starts tomorrow, and I won't be able to go next week because I'll be in California, so I have to go tomorrow.

And I don't feel guilty about it at all.

Baby, it's Cold Outside!

I guess I already gave another post the same title, but it's so fitting for this photo. Look at that ice! That was last week, though. Today it was about 50-something degrees. Changes day to day. It actually smelled like spring today.

Tomorrow, who knows? The Abominable Snowman may come to visit.

(fyi, Abominable Snowman is a real word, I looked it up in the dictionary. It means "yeti". I thought it was just from that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer special. Who knew?)

Merry Fucking Christmas!

Saw this Christmas tree the other day, shoved upside down in a snowbank. Guess whoever it was didn't get what he or she wanted this year.

My name is Shelby. I sleep on my mat.
I like my mini catnip pillow. Don't you touch it.

George Michael - The First Time Ever I saw Your Face

I think this rendition is so beautiful. It is truly moving. Focus on the voice, not the images. Ooooh, I'm melting!

During the Inauguration

Text from one of my best friends and the biggest Obama supporter ever! I'm glad I documented the moment; her text says it all.

Hard Work Down the Drain...

Sofia handed me the following note a few days ago: YOU ARE FIRED. After all I've done for her! A few days later, I told her how to spell "your". She'll learn contractions towards the end of the year.

Unfortunately, this was not the first time I'd been fired by a child at work. Many years ago, I was fired by a 4 year old boy because I wouldn't let him go home by himself. His exact words: "Alex, you're out of a job!"

I'd better step it up.

Gwen Stefani - Wind it up

Wind it up!

I haven't even talked about how I taught my kids the Gwen Stefani song I was going on and on about a few weeks ago, the one that's the remix of The Lonely Goatherd.

I set it up with a CD I made. First, the original Lonely Goatherd, which many of them knew. Then I taught them that when you take one song and add a dance beat to it, it's called a REMIX. Can you say "remix"? Children: "remix!" Very good.

I played the CD about twice a day for a week so that they would get to know it very well. As usual, most of them liked it once they heard it a few times; how could they not, with that funky beat?? One girl, Maddie (aka Cindy Loo Who), even had her own dance moves she would do while coloring and listening. She'd prop up a stool and sit on it, moving her shoulders to the beat.

My goal of having children request "Wind it Up" has been reached.

At the NAG-dromat

I was just at the laundrymat and witnessed an exchange between a frustrated father and his non-compliant teenage son. The son showed up as his dad was folding the laundry, and the dad wanted a little help. He went about it the wrong way, however. He called his kid selfish because he wouldn't help, and when the son walked towards the door, the father actually started to count, like I do with my 3 year olds: "Max, one!"

My favorite part was when the son delivered his excuse: "Well, the only reason you're asking me to do it is because I'm here! I wouldn't have even done any of it if I hadn't shown up!" Oh man, I had to keep from laughing.

One thing I noticed is that the dad kept nagging the son, and it didn't make the son want to fold laundry, for sure. My advice would have been for him to have a nice conversation with his son as he was folding, instead of nagging and threatening him. After a few minutes, the son probably would have started folding some stuff on his own.

Note to all: if you want something done, ask nicely. Drop the NAG! I'll try it too.

My Sunday

I went to the gym today and got an earful. After my workout, I got to hear a cell phone conversation in the locker room. This woman sounded like she was talking to a Match.com date, and she didn't care who was listening. I learned that:

*She loves to cook, and will go out to eat for anything except sushi. Her food has to be cooked, not raw.
* She likes to go fishing, and hasn't been fishing since she moved here.
* She loves Newbury Street.
* She's the 5th of 8 children. She wasn't spoiled, because she was in the middle. She's happy about that.
* Her best friend is in nursing school.

I hope she has a good date. She sure sounded charming on the phone, giggling appropriately and sounding slightly self-deprecating and proud at the same time.

After the gym, I went to Trader Joe's and bought some really healthy and expensive food. I spent all that money, just to stop at Subway and get a meatball marinara anyway. I couldn't help it--have you ever gone in there and smelled the food? I can't resist. You know it's bad when you can order like you do at Starbucks:

Starbucks, winter: "A tall Awake tea with room."
Starbucks, summer: "A tall iced hazelnut latte."

Subway, all year: "A six-inch meatball marinara on wheat with provolone, not toasted."

I supplemented my sub with corn and a salad, washed down with apple cider. Healthy! Tomorrow I'll start on the Trader Joe's food. Just remembered, I forgot to get eggs. Dang.

More Travel Notes: Tatum

When I was on the plane going from Boston to San Francisco, I made friends with a 5 year old named Tatum. I noticed her, because not only was she a cute little kid, but she had stuck High School Musical stickers all over her face. She looked adorable. I asked her mom if I could take her picture, because "I am a preschool teacher and a photographer and your daughter is adorable and I will send you a copy."

We chatted almost the whole way, and she was great about coloring in her book when I wanted to read mine. We really got along, because, of course, I can think like a 5 year old. At one point, Tatum turned to me and said, "Which is your favorite side?" Her mom gave her a real funny look, but of course I knew what Tatum was talking about. I said, "THIS side!", because it was the side of the plane we were both sitting on, duh! And she replied, "ME TOO!", and we both shared a special moment, and her mom was clueless.

At the end of the ride, Tatum handed me a picture that she had colored. "This is for you." Oh god, it made my day. And I will now share it with you. I love meeting kids on trips.

What We Did at School on Inauguration Day