Wishing You a...

Merry Christmas from Shelby, Alex, and The Grinch!

Christmas Music

I love Christmas music, almost any kind. I have about 8 CDs of Christmas music, mostly compilations. Some of my favorites:

A Charlie Brown Christmas--classic
Barbra Streisand/A Christmas Album--love her version of Jingle Bells
Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics--from the people who brought you South Park. Not PC, and not for kids, but hilarious. Good for the car.
Now That's What I Call Christmas!--more classics.

Some Christmas songs I have are creepy. One of them is on as I type this. Have you ever heard "The Little Drummer Boy" sung by Bing Crosby and David Bowie? Apparently, David Bowie appeared on a special with Bing Crosby in 1977. Bing sang The Little Drummer Boy, which was a song that Bowie hated. He added a counterpoint song, "Peace on Earth", that he sings at the same time. Together, it's creepy. And whiny.

Worst Christmas cover ever: Celine Dion singing "Feliz Navidad". Stick to your heart going on, Celine.

Best Christmas cover ever: Bruce Springsteen singing "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town".

Annoying? The Beach Boys singing "Little Saint Nick". I hate the chorus that goes, "Christmas comes this time each year..." No shit, Beach Boys.

One of my favorites, just because it's different and has a good beat: Run DMC's "Christmas in Hollis".

Any other Christmas comments out there?

REDRUM

I have a Netflix account. It's fun. I get one
movie at a time. When I first opened
this account, it was so much fun to
go through all the movies and put them on my "queue".

One of my favorite movies is The
Shining. I hadn't seen it in many
years, and I like it so much, up it went on my list. Before you know it, it was at my house.

For some reason, I thought it would be fun to wait until a snowstorm came and watch it then. By myself.
What the hell was I thinking???

My opportunity came yesterday, as "a foot of snow" snowstorm came rolling in. I did a half-ass job of asking some people if they wanted to watch it with me. No takers. I was determined. I thought I would start it when it was still light outside, so I wouldn't get so scared. But then I was talking with my friend, and when I came home I wanted to read my new double issue of People magazine, and watch the news about the storm, and eat dinner, and Facebook a little, so by the time I actually started watching it, it was 8 pm. Late. Dark.

The Shining has got to be one of the scariest movies out there, maybe the scariest. I had forgotten how scary just the music was, never mind the girls, the bathtub scene, "All work and no play make Jack a dull boy..."

I took pics of some of my favorite scenes. I love when Shelley Duvall is feebly swiping the bat at Jack Nicholson. Of course, everyone knows the "Heeeere's Johnny!" scene. One of the scariest parts to me is the whole blood pouring into the hallway part, which they show throughout the movie. Oh god.

A very supportive friend got me through by responding to my request to text me every five minutes. During the bathtub scene, I called other friends. The wife was supportive. The husband was not. He was saying some of the lines in a creepy voice in the background. Not what I needed, Chris! No matter, I got through it. Loved it.

Afterwards, I needed to unwind with something not scary. I turned on the TV. My set is on the blink right now, so I only get channel 7. What was on channel 7 when I turned it on? Dateline. About a murder. Thank god it was Keith Morrison's soothing voice that I heard, and it was a love triangle murder, so it wasn't scary.

I went to bed, and left my Christmas tree lights on because it was so...festive. When I got to bed, I got a text from my cousin. The text? redrum. I texted back, pu tuhs. I am happy to report I slept through the night with no nightmares. Sleeping with a knife and a bat under one's pillow can be uncomfortable, however.

Unavailable--That's the Way I Like it

Okay, so I'm getting a lot of comments from friends about my Bob post. I want to know how this crush is similar to other crushes I've had, and...whatever happened to Michael Phelps, you ask? Summer is over, and he's dating a cocktail waitress. Hey, I always go for the unavailable guys!

Anderson Cooper--gay (this is confirmed, yes?)

Keith Morrison--married, and age inappropriate

Michael Phelps--dating, and age inappropriate

Bob Harper--gay?

I like the TV relationship. You get to admire and swoon, say whatever you want, and they don't talk back. And you can turn them off when you're done. Perfect.

I Love Bob

I am in love with Bob Harper, one of the personal trainers on The Biggest Loser. I have a new hobby of taking pictures of images on my TV, and I got some good ones of my latest crush. Here we see how he feels about me, and life in general.
Yes, Alex. I love you too.


I'm comin' ta git cha!


I was this close to becoming a model, but I decided that training was better for humankind.


I am good looking, aren't I?

He will be my inspiration when I go back to the gym after being away for 2 1/2 weeks. What can I say? I gotta monkey on my back.

Prosthetic Barbarella Barbie

Scarlett brought in a new Barbie doll today. She was a mess. I asked her mom if this was CSI Barbie. Look at her! Chalk Outline Barbie?

I decided to fix her up. I put her hair up, and grabbed a piece of fleece from the scrap box. Not for nothing, but I could be on Project Runway Barbie. Look at that outfit I crafted, all without sewing, buttons, or glue! My boss, Rosie, said she looked like Barbarella from the 60's, aka Jane Fonda. She does.

I also made a prosthetic leg for Barbie. It was really for show, because it didn't bend. She's showing it off rather nicely, though, don't you think?

Of course, When Scarlett saw my creations, she said, "Barbie doesn't want that outfit or that leg." She let me keep her hair up, at least.

Small Town Charm, Really

Here's what I love about my small town. I was just at Trader Joe's; I ran into my co-worker, Sue. Later, I got a call from my friend (and mom at my school) Chris. She and the kids were at Trader Joe's at the same time and also ran into Sue. Sue told them I was there, and they called me so we could meet in one of the aisles.

Turns out I had left by then, but I love the fact that friends can call each other when they're at the store at the same time and meet. Yay for cell phones, and yay for small towns.

Hold the Phone

And here we have the Pizza Nazis (nod to Seinfeld). Believe me, I did not talk on my cell phone and made sure I had bills with me when I picked up my pie.

Don't be a Hater

The other day at school I was at the play dough table with about six kids. I looked at the clock and said, "I hate to tell you this, kids, but it's clean up time."

Rose looked at me with a straight face, as usual, and said, "That's a bad word."

I said, "What? Clean up time?"

She replied, "No. Hate."

I told her it was an expression and that I'd talk to her mom about why I said it.

I hate when little kids call you out on stuff and make you look stupid. There, I just said two bad words. Sorry, Rose!

Shelby's Sick...Again

Poor Shelby. She's got the loose stool blues. After her last episode weeks ago, all her blood tests came back normal, and her poop got better. Then it started up again; not as bad as before, but enough to make Mommy worry. I had a consult with the vet.

She just finished her second round of anti-diarrheal meds. I have to shove pills down her throat now because she can't have any more Pill Pockets or treats. She takes 'em like a champ. Or like a champ who is too weak to fight.

I had to change her food. Miss Thang now eats venison and green peas, thank you very much. At $20 a bag, she'd better like it. So far, so good. I have to sprinkle probiotic powder on her food once a day for the next 30 days, I'm not kidding. She's getting the royal treatment! I also have to squirt a deworming medicine into her mouth, and give her a huge deworming pill. She's geriatric, all right. On some days I've had to give her 4 pills a day, because she's still on her heart medication.

Did you know that to hand over a vial full of shit for analysis costs $20??? Two days of consult, food, and meds cost $130.00. Thank god I live on a budget.

I hope all this works; we'll find out at the end of 30 days, I guess. If this doesn't work, we're on to more invasive exploration. I pray it doesn't come to that. More good vibes for Shelby, please!

Monkey and a Moon

My friend Fawn told me there was some poem about a monkey and a moon...so, because in this day and age of high technology, I looked it up and instantly came up with a few things.

Hakuin, a Japanese Zen master, lived from 1686 to 1768. He wrote the following poem:

The monkey is reaching
For the moon in the water.
Until death overtakes him
He'll never give up.

If he'd let go the branch and
Disappear in the deep pool
The whole world would shine
With dazzling pureness.

Masaoka Shiki (1867-1902) coined the term "Haiku". He wrote:

The long night
Monkey dreams how to
Catch the moon

Thanks, Fawn. Now I know a little bit about the image on my back. When people ask, I can Haiku away!

Monkey on my Back

I don't even do drugs, and I've got a monkey on my back. Got my back tattoo yesterday. Bigger than I had expected, but when Ram (the artist) gets excited, I get excited. It's always this way. I go in for a consult, we talk about what I want, I go home with a picture in my head, come back months later, he shows me what he's drawn, it's different than what I was imagining, and I go, "Okay!"

I had admired this picture of a monkey that was hanging in Ram's space. I looked at it for years, and finally said, "I want that monkey tattooed on me." Didn't know where it would go; I talked about my back, my shoulder blade, and my calf. At my consult, he said, "Let's make it a sick back piece!" and I said, "Okay!" It's also significant because I was born in the year of the monkey, 1968. I've always loved monkeys. And it's Japanese. It all fits.

The picture I had in my head was more tree, smaller monkey. When he showed me how he'd blown up the picture 180%, I was taken aback at first (no pun intended), but his enthusiasm is infectious. I said sure. It's not done yet, this is just the outline. There will be more shading, and cherry blossoms to follow next month.

Everyone wants to know what he's reaching for. I can get creative and say, "My arse? A silver dollar pancake? My soul?" But the real answer is the reflection of the moon. Should be more obvious with shading.

It's amazing how mental getting a tattoo is. You really have to be "in the zone". I was not in the zone yesterday, and it affected me. I was still thinking about how big the monkey was, and how I was very exposed, with nothing on except my pants, and some personal stuff, and it hurt more because I wasn't relaxed. Ram also said that with the back, there's so much space to cover, every new spot feels different so it's hard to zone. He helped me relax, and by the end of it, I was in the zone. Oh well. Got it done in two hours, which is amazing, considering what he produced. I love it. I have friends lined up to wash my back and put Neosporin on it while it heals. That's a true friend.

Stay tuned for developments in the coming months.