I see London, I see France, I can see your...

I saw these dudes walking ahead of me at the park. How low can you go? You gotta admit, the low pants style has been around for many, many years. It's not a trend anymore. It's a way of life.

She's Had Enough

The other day Claire brought in a toy iPod. It was so attractive that kids were listening to it instead of eating their snack or lunch. I really got on Claire's case, yammering on and on about how she and her friends needed to eat, she shouldn't bring that to school if it's too distracting, blah blah blah...

Claire turned to me after my tirade and said, "Alex, I think you should leave early today."

Sick

I'm sorry, but the first thing I thought of when I saw these barrettes in the store was a new advertisement: "And now, for the pedophiles in your life, the perfect gift!"

Eww. But that's what I thought, so there it is.

Nurse Ratched

Sometimes I feel like Nurse Ratched. I have to give Shelby a new pill for a couple of weeks, much to her dismay. I can usually get it in her, but sometimes she fakes me out like those patients in the movies. You know those ones who pretend to take the pill but really hide it under their tongue or in their cheek till the nurse leaves the room, and then they spit it out?

Shelby does that sometimes. The other day I caught her; I turned around for a second as she was eating her breakfast, and when I turned back around, I saw the offending blue pill back in her food. I shoved it down her throat again, but good. I now check her plate every time.

Corduroy Turn-On

I saw a man at the Apple store who had on corduroy pants. The wale on his pants didn't go vertically, like you usually see. It went across, horizontally. It sort of turned me on. But his sweater didn't match, and that turned me off. Back to neutral.

Thirsty?

The other day I was at the train station, waiting for a train. There's a bookstore there, and I often browse the titles as I'm waiting. I picked up a book titled, You're Not Sick, You're Just Thirsty! I flipped through and found an interesting tidbit.

It said that you should drink a glass of water upon waking, before you eat or drink anything else, because your body is dehydrated from sleeping. It made sense to me, so I've been doing just that for a week. It really makes a difference! I find that I'm actually thirsty when I wake up, and I down a glass of water pretty quickly. Also helps with the pee, which you already know should be clear, right? Clear enough to read through (got that from Dr. Oz on Oprah).

Maybe you all do this already. If not, try it! You'll pee glad you did!

Little Debbie, I Shall Miss Ye

I got this book from the bookstore, it's called Eat This, Not That: Supermarket Survival Guide, by David Zinczenko. It's great, because it has photos and nutritional info on every page. The left side is the "eat this" side, and the right side is the "not that" side.

This weekend I've been going through the book, making a giant list of foods I should buy at the supermarket, instead of blindly choosing what's on sale or is most convenient.

Turns out I've made some giant boo boos in my food choices. Well, snack choices. Check this out:

A Little Debbie Double Decker Oatmeal Creme Pie (the one pictured here, when I wrote about a dessert fantasy come true) has:

470 calories (more calories than 3 Twinkies!)
8 g fat
39 g sugars

My favorite candy bar, Snickers, has:

280 calories
14 g fat
30 g sugars

A Starbucks coffee flavored Frappuccino, the bottled drink I like in the summer, has:

290 calories
4.5 g fat
46 g sugars (more than a double decker oatmeal creme pie!!!)
This drink has the sugar equivalent of 3 1/2 scoops of Dryer's Double Fudge Brownie ice cream. Lord, give me strength

The worst chocolate milk? The one I grew up on:

Nesquik Chocolate Milk
400 calories
10 g fat
60 g sugars
Sugar equivalent of 4 Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies (why did they have to compare this to my favorite crap snack???)

Even my favorite apple juice wasn't safe. Thank god it's hard to find around here:

Martinelli's apple juice:
140 calories
31 g sugars

One thing is crystal clear: I have a serious sugar addiction. Mind you, I don't indulge in these treats on a daily basis, but in years past, I'd have my fill, oh yes. And I need to wean myself off of sugar even more. I have a habit of eating something sweet at night while I'm watching TV. My friend Chris pointed out that it's a habit, a routine, nothing more. If I can break the routine, I can break the habit, and thus the addiction. I'm going to try. Right now.

Glass of water and maybe a stick of sugarfree gum so I don't go for what's in my kitchen at this moment:

leftover piece of red velvet cake
chocolate chip cookies
cinnamon coffee cake
chocolate Easter candy
frosted Easter sugar cookies

Please send me your well wishes and prayers in my quest for a healthier lifestyle! Hmm, where are the garbanzo beans?

Recycling Decoration

One of the kids at school decorated the office chair at school. By taping used tissues to it.

Still in Love

The other day I was at the home of one of my kids. We were all sitting around, talking. The subject turned to the President.

Pauline (Mom), talking to Ella, 7:

Alex is in love with Barack Obama. (pause)
You know who else is in love with Barack Obama?

Ella: Michelle Obama?

Confession to my Blog

Blog, blog,
I've been such a hog
And I haven't been
All that truthful.

My fingers are flyin'
For two others, and I'm tryin'
To make it seem
Like it is useful.

One website's a job
Volunteer, I'm no snob
And it's greatly improved
My life's outlook.

The other's for friends
I don't mean to offend
Okay, I'll just say it
I'M ON FACEBOOK!

I'm a three-timing bitch
Gotta scratch that damn itch
But I'm making my way
Back to you.

My heart string's entangled
In this big love triangle
Join the fun
It's the right thing to do!

Love Poem to my Blog

Blog, I don't mean to ignore you.
Please, I really implore you.
Wait for me
Creativity
Is taking all forms
I adore you.

I Beg Your Pardon?

When I was in California the last time, my friend and I were walking a particular strip that had panhandlers every few yards. We came upon two benches; each bench had a person sitting on it with a sign. We actually heard the guy panhandler say to the woman panhandler, "Is this where you usually are? 'Cause I can move up a bit."

So considerate. He did move up the block a little so as not to infringe upon her begging.

Stack o' Dinos

The Bremen Town musicians in prehistoric days.

Montecore and his cheetah friend aren't any help.
Remember Montecore? He's the white tiger that "helped" the magician Roy, of Sigfried and Roy, when he had a stroke onstage.

Other titles for this photo?

HDTV--Hell and Damnation Tele Vision!

Can I just vent here a second? It's about my TV.

See, we've all been getting the warnings about the end of the world that was supposed to be coming on February 17; now changed to June 12 or something. I reasoned that I'd never bought a new TV in my life, and in fact had never paid for one, so it was time for me to bite the bullet and get with the program. I bought a brand spanking new flat screen HDTV. And got cable. And thought all my problems were solved.

Wrong.

I thought, you get a new TV, you plug it in, and boom! Clear picture, you can see beads of sweat, pores, the blades of grass on a football field. No. If you have basic cable, you don't have HD cable. If you don't have HD cable, some channels are crystal clear, and some aren't. You still have to have an antennae. And you have to switch back and forth between I don't even know what, to work off of some signal or radio wave or ass crack to get a clear picture.

I have two remotes, one for my TV, and one from the cable company. Yesterday I couldn't even get a picture. My friend came over and somehow got the picture to come on, but she didn't know what she did to get the picture. It worked for several hours, then I turned off the TV and went out.

When I turned on the TV again, no picture. I pressed every single button, made some changes, made the changes back, pressed buttons again, to no avail. I missed one of my favorite TV shows.

It's 8:00 am on Sunday morning. I want to turn on the TV. I'm scared that if I turn it on and I get no picture, I might do something I'll regret later. Maybe I'll just go back to bed.

Orangutan and Kangaroo Get Married

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here together to witness the marriage of O. Rangutan and K. Angaroo. The Honora-Bull, presiding.

Z. Bra is happy for the inter-species union, but T.Grrr is still bitter, having been jilted by O for K. See her menacing, growling face? Things got ugly as she started talking trash right when O placed his hand over K's. When she made a crack about K.Angaroo's pouch being more of a paunch, and K responded by asking T if she wanted a punch, the cops were called and there were pigs all over the place, and bull shit, too.

O. Rangu is hanging in there, and K.Anga is still hopping mad.

Why I'm Not Going to the Gym Today.

I had every intention of going today. I even packed my gym clothes in my gym bag and schlepped them to school and then to my haircut, thinking I would go straight to the gym afterwards.

But when I got out of my haircut, my back was all itchy from the stray hairs that get caught down there, and even though I knew that was going to happen, I tried to not think about it. Until it happened. And all I wanted to do was go home and take a shower. And plus I somehow broke three nails at school today and I wanted to go home and clip them properly and file them, because I might really do damage at the gym with broken nails. Like bend one back all the way and have it start bleeding all over the place.

And also, I had to go to the bank. I was going to go to the bank that is right next to the gym, I planned it that way:

work
haircut
bank
gym

But then when I got out of my haircut it was really windy outside. And I wondered if maybe the tornado that blew through the midwest was maybe gonna come here, and did I want to walk in a tornado after getting all sweaty at the gym, and I decided that no, I didn't want to.

And it's a good thing too, because when I got home, I got an email from my lawyer with a (!) symbol, telling me to call him right away. Important business to attend to, tomorrow. Like, what I've been waiting for for over a year.

So...I'm sort of thinking about that, and that caps it for reasons I am not going to go to the gym today. And I'm not going tomorrow, because the Bugs Bunny Film Festival starts tomorrow, and I won't be able to go next week because I'll be in California, so I have to go tomorrow.

And I don't feel guilty about it at all.

Baby, it's Cold Outside!

I guess I already gave another post the same title, but it's so fitting for this photo. Look at that ice! That was last week, though. Today it was about 50-something degrees. Changes day to day. It actually smelled like spring today.

Tomorrow, who knows? The Abominable Snowman may come to visit.

(fyi, Abominable Snowman is a real word, I looked it up in the dictionary. It means "yeti". I thought it was just from that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer special. Who knew?)

Merry Fucking Christmas!

Saw this Christmas tree the other day, shoved upside down in a snowbank. Guess whoever it was didn't get what he or she wanted this year.

My name is Shelby. I sleep on my mat.
I like my mini catnip pillow. Don't you touch it.

George Michael - The First Time Ever I saw Your Face

I think this rendition is so beautiful. It is truly moving. Focus on the voice, not the images. Ooooh, I'm melting!