Gross!

So last night I'm in the bathroom and I see this multi-legged creepy looking insect skitter behind the toilet, next to the broom. I immediately grab my cat and put her face within viewing distance. I yell, "Look, Shelby, get it!" She looks around and sees the broom, which she thinks I've pointed out to her so she can chew the plastic bristles. She puts her face close to the broom bristles. "NO!!!" I scream. "Look, look! Get it! It's a bug!" The bug comes out a little, and Shelby takes one look and walks away. Like she does every time she sees a bug, goddammit.

I go get a boot to smash it, and succeed in doing so. However, as I'm smashing it, it's still moving a little, so I get freaked out and jump back, yelping. My bare foot lands on something wet and squishy, which makes me scream louder. It's a fresh hairball, compliments of Shelby. Ewww!!

Oh god, I was so freaked out by all of this, I just left everything where it was and went straight to bed. Cleaned everything up this morning. That's what I get for taking my slippers off for just one second. If you live on the first floor with a lazy cat, don't slack. Always be aware...

No More Heartache!

I tried the Pill Pockets, and they work like a charm! Pop the Atenelol in, Shelby eats the treat. Pop in the baby aspirin, same thing. Yay! No more sleepless nights worrying that I'll have to force a pill down her throat. No more avoidance. In fact, she eagerly awaits her treat every morning now. This morning, I had the audacity to go to the bathroom before giving her the daily treat. She was so angry, she followed me and bit my foot. Naughty kitty. Happy Mommy.

Heartache

I just found out that my almost 10 year old cat Shelby has mild heart disease. She was put on Atenelol and baby aspirin. My boss takes the same medicine. Weird. The Atenelol is to slow her heart down, and the aspirin is to prevent clots from forming. Apparently if clots form, her hind legs will stop working. Yikes.

Every day she has to take 1/4 of the Atenelol, so the size of the pill is pretty small. She has to take one baby aspirin every three days. That pill is pretty big. I spent at least five minutes in the aspirin section trying to decide if Shelby would like orange or cherry flavor better. Bayer, or St. Joseph's? I chose Bayer orange--chewable.

The first day of medication I put the Atenelol in some cream cheese and she ate it right up. I was psyched. I tried the same thing with the aspirin. She looked at it, sniffed it, and walked away. I left it for a little while, and it disintegrated. I mushed it all around, thinking with some more cream cheese she'd eat it and never taste the aspirin. I was wrong. I was freaked out because I knew she needed to take it. I decided to shove it down her throat the way I know people do. Well, she didn't like that much and fought me, so I ended up sort of smearing it all over her mouth like some disgusting lip gloss. She licked it all, so at least she got it in her.

The next morning when I got out of bed she cried to go in the hallway, which she never does in the morning. I opened the door for her and she went to sit under the wicker table, which is her special place to sit whenever she's really freaked out. Great. I hadn't even tried to give her the pills yet.

Someone told me about these things called Pill Pockets. They're treats with holes in them. You put the pill in the treat and fold it closed, and the cat (or dog) is supposed to eat the treat and never taste the pill. My local pet store didn't have them, but they told me about this food that I could put it in and maybe that would help. It's raw food, made with all kinds of stuff like chicken, clams, broccoli, and flax seed oil. Very healthy, delicious, and expensive.

I took that home and put the Atenelol in it. She ate it right up. Put the aspirin, whole, in the raw food. She ate all around it and left the aspirin. I ain't raising no dummy. I mushed it up in more food. No go. Dammit! I was, and am, determined to find a way for Shelby to take her medicine with food so I don't have to shove it down her throat, which is traumatic for both of us.

This weekend I quartered a baby aspirin and she ate it with the food. I praised her like she had just done a trick on command. A couple of people have told me that St. Joseph's is smaller than Bayer, so I went to the pharmacist to ask. She told me there's not that much difference in size, but the Bayer chewable aspirin can be crushed and is much sweeter than the St. Joseph's, which has a coating on it to make it easier to swallow. She suggested I try them to see the difference, which I did. She was right. Think I'll stick to the chewable.

I finally found Pill Pockets, so I'll try those the next time I have to give her the aspirin. Wish me luck!

The One-Eyed Goat

One of the highlights of my trip to Germany was seeing the one-eyed goat.

My friends and I were driving in the German countryside, and I saw a fuzzy brown creature in a pasture as we drove by. Having been born and raised in NYC, I get excited seeing wild creatures that are not squirrels or pigeons. "Stop the car!" I screamed. "I think I see a three-headed goat!" Thomas promised we would stop on our way back.

We got back to the pasture and the kids and I scrambled out of the car. The pasture was closed off by a flimsy fence of wood and plastic. Off in the distance we saw the creature: not a three-headed goat, merely a one-headed goat with huge horns and a beautiful brown coat of fur.

The goat, who was munching on grass, stopped and looked up at us. It seemed to be thinking, "Hmm..who's that? Maybe I'll go check it out." He started ambling towards us, slowly at first. As he got closer, his steps got faster. He started trotting, and about three quarters of the way he sprang into a full run, until BAM! he ran right into the fence. We jumped back, of course, a little scared, but amused as well. The fence held tight.

He turned his head and bleated at us, and that's when we saw that not only did he have one head, he only had one eye. Where his right eye was supposed to be was a dent covered with fur. We fed him some grass and then he gave us one last bleat and dismissed us, walking back slowly to the pasture. He began munching grass again. We kept watching him, transfixed by this strange creature.

After a couple of minutes, the goat looked up at us again, with absolutely no recognition in his squinty goat eyes. Again, he seemed to be thinking, "Hmm...who's that? I'll go check it out." He went through the rountine exactly as he had done before: walking, trotting, running BAM! into the fence. Let's just say that particular strudel didn't have all the ingredients, if you know what I mean. Doesn't take much to entertain me.

Things You Never See

Just a few weeks ago the wheelchair stall in the ladies' room was actually occupied by someone in a wheelchair. First time I'd seen that.

Today for the first time I saw a bird actually sitting in her nest.

I've seen plenty of unoccupied wheelchair stalls and nests. When's the last time you saw them occupied? Ever seen a baby squirrel or pigeon? Why did Chris Daughtry get voted off of American Idol, when he was clearly the favorite?

Serious questions, folks. Wanna make you think.

In the World of Children

I love the games children make up. Today a couple of girls were pretending they were babies. I asked them what they were playing. One of the girls who wasn't being a baby said, "We're playing Baby Find Celebration." I asked what that was, and she told me that a baby gets lost, they find the baby, and they celebrate. Simple, yet powerful.

One of my kids came in today sounding a little stuffy. I asked her if she was getting a cold, and she said, "No, I already have it."

Grand Statements

I live my life through Grand Statements. My friend Emily says it's because I'm an extrovert and it's my way of processing things--out loud. I think about things in my life and then declare what is happening with me. Upon reflection of this process, I've come to the conclusion that the Statements are true when I utter them, but they won't necessarily stick.

Here are some of the Grand Statements I've uttered in years past, all with an exclamation point for emphasis. No Grand Statement has lasted very long:

--I'm getting married!

--I'm a lesbian!

--I want to try stand-up comedy!

--I like my housecleaning jobs! (upon receiving my Master's degree)

--Thank you for all of your help, I won't be needing your services any more! (to my therapist)

--I'm bisexual!

--I want to live in Japan for at least a year, maybe more!

--I'm getting married!

--I'm going to swim my way to health!

--I'm going to karate chop my way to health!

--I'm going to music video dance my way to health!

--I'm over my ex!

My latest Grand Statement is that I'm done with dating. D-O-N-E. I bought myself a diamond ring to emphasize the Statement, and I wear it on my left hand, on purpose. I can now wave my Grand Statement to the public without saying a word. I am not available.

The other day a guy who was sitting to my left at a table asked me out. Oy vey.

Great Inventions

And now, my list of what I think are some of the world's greatest inventions:

-the Walkman/Discman/iPod

-the contact lens

-italics

-allergy injections

-the internet

-rolling shower curtain rings

-clumping cat litter

-caller ID

-Snickers with almonds

What are your favorite inventions?

Fun With Money Exchange

So Thomas and I are in the airport, and I want to change my money. I find the exchange booth, and I tell Thomas to go get the parking ticket to exit while I go get my Euros.

I change my money and decide to have a little fun. I put the bills in my pocket and have the coins in my hand. I go over to Thomas and show him the coins, saying, "I gave the man $500 and he gave me this. Is this a lot?"

Thomas freaks out, crying, "What???" I didn't let it go on too long, after all he had been through, but it was fun while it lasted.