Yesterday I cleaned my bathroom with bleach bathroom cleaner. Bleach kills germs, makes white sinks and toilets stay white, and disinfects, right? In a windowless bathroom, it also stinks it up and makes one lightheaded. I had opened the window, but it didn't knock out the smell totally. I worried about Shelby, who didn't seem to notice any odor (or maybe she wasn't asleep on the couch, but passed out from the fumes). I cleaned up again with a non-bleach cleaner and then took a shower to dilute any leftover bleach.
All day I could feel the bleach clinging to my every pore. I ran the fan all night in hopes of diffusing the smell, but I swear I encountered its presence even when I woke up. I tried to shrug it off and had breakfast with friends at a local greasy spoon.
It worked. Now my pores are dripping with the smell of grease.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
Mr. Dance Man
So this guy who won the dance contest deserves his own entry. He sort of had the outfit; he had the requisite white socks and black shoes. He had the white button down shirt, and a tie. But the rest of it made him something else. His suit was tan, as was his hat. He had an accent; he looked to be in his late 30's. He was a mixture of Pee Wee Herman, Roberto Benigni from "Life is Beautiful", and a door to door salesman from the 1950's.
Now imagine that guy dancing like Michael Jackson, move for move. At one point when he was onstage he told us that he used to draw stick figures of Michael Jackson's moves so he could copy them and memorize them. I'm not kidding, he really said that.
You could just imagine him being first in line when the MJ videos became available for purchase. How many VCRs did he burn out watching "Thriller" and "Beat It" over and over again so he could perfect his routines? He amazed us with his movements; the spins, the crotch grabbing, and the jerking. The crowd gasped and screamed when he actually did the splits gracefully and without injury. He was on fire, which both fascinated me and freaked me out.
All I could think about was what kind of life he had to be this perfect an imitator. Did he spend his high school and college days in his room alone, in front of the mirror, wearing out the rug with his spins? Had he ever had a relationship? Did he make an annual pilgrimage to Neverland Ranch? Did he want to be Michael Jackson? Maybe he made money on the side by performing at Sweet 16s and bar mizvahs. But he clearly didn't make enough, 'cause he couldn't even get the whole outfit.
In any case, he did a great job, he was perfect for the entertainment part of the evening, and good for him for having a passion. Let's hope he doesn't order Jesus Juice when he goes out with the boys.
Now imagine that guy dancing like Michael Jackson, move for move. At one point when he was onstage he told us that he used to draw stick figures of Michael Jackson's moves so he could copy them and memorize them. I'm not kidding, he really said that.
You could just imagine him being first in line when the MJ videos became available for purchase. How many VCRs did he burn out watching "Thriller" and "Beat It" over and over again so he could perfect his routines? He amazed us with his movements; the spins, the crotch grabbing, and the jerking. The crowd gasped and screamed when he actually did the splits gracefully and without injury. He was on fire, which both fascinated me and freaked me out.
All I could think about was what kind of life he had to be this perfect an imitator. Did he spend his high school and college days in his room alone, in front of the mirror, wearing out the rug with his spins? Had he ever had a relationship? Did he make an annual pilgrimage to Neverland Ranch? Did he want to be Michael Jackson? Maybe he made money on the side by performing at Sweet 16s and bar mizvahs. But he clearly didn't make enough, 'cause he couldn't even get the whole outfit.
In any case, he did a great job, he was perfect for the entertainment part of the evening, and good for him for having a passion. Let's hope he doesn't order Jesus Juice when he goes out with the boys.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Michael Jackson Sing-a-Long
Last night at the local independent movie theater there was a Michael Jackson Sing-a-Long. I knew as soon as I saw it on the marquee that I wanted to go. Who cared that it was at midnight, long past my usual bedtime? I immediately sent out a mass email inviting one and all to attend this glorious event with me. One by one they declined, except for one good friend, Diana, who I think accepted partly because she felt sorry for me. In any case, by midnight we were both pumped, and we stood in the sold out line of 200 people not knowing what to expect. As it turned out, we were amused, embarassed, thrilled, and horrified.
Diana and I scanned the small theater and sized up the audience. There were a lot of young-ish people there. I broke the crowd into two groups; those who were "real" fans like us, who grew up listening to him and remembered when the albums came out, and the other fans, who somehow were so into him that they would pay $9.50 to see a midnight showing of his videos.
The emcee was entertaining. He went around and handed out props to use during the videos: flashlights to light up different parts of the theater when "Billie Jean" came on (you had to turn on your flashlight on the beat when Michael stepped on the squares to make them light up), water bottles to spray the people around you when "The Way You Make Me Feel" came on and showed the broken fire hydrant spraying, and laser pointers, just because they're fun to play with.
The evening began with a moonwalk dance contest. All of the contestants got up on stage to do their best MJ moves. Out of two hundred people, there were four contestants; two men, two women. The screen showed a clip of MJ in 1995 at some awards show, and the participants did their stuff. It was immediately clear that the two women were not worth watching. All eyes were on a small Italian looking man in a tan suit, tie and hat, and a tall Asian college student. It became a battle. One would do a move, and the other would follow suit. Our job was to decide who did it better. After a few moves, the Italian guy blew college boy out of the water by moving exactly the way Michael was moving up on the screen. It was amazing and creepy. He won a DVD of the videos we were about to view. The creepiness was just beginning...
Diana and I scanned the small theater and sized up the audience. There were a lot of young-ish people there. I broke the crowd into two groups; those who were "real" fans like us, who grew up listening to him and remembered when the albums came out, and the other fans, who somehow were so into him that they would pay $9.50 to see a midnight showing of his videos.
The emcee was entertaining. He went around and handed out props to use during the videos: flashlights to light up different parts of the theater when "Billie Jean" came on (you had to turn on your flashlight on the beat when Michael stepped on the squares to make them light up), water bottles to spray the people around you when "The Way You Make Me Feel" came on and showed the broken fire hydrant spraying, and laser pointers, just because they're fun to play with.
The evening began with a moonwalk dance contest. All of the contestants got up on stage to do their best MJ moves. Out of two hundred people, there were four contestants; two men, two women. The screen showed a clip of MJ in 1995 at some awards show, and the participants did their stuff. It was immediately clear that the two women were not worth watching. All eyes were on a small Italian looking man in a tan suit, tie and hat, and a tall Asian college student. It became a battle. One would do a move, and the other would follow suit. Our job was to decide who did it better. After a few moves, the Italian guy blew college boy out of the water by moving exactly the way Michael was moving up on the screen. It was amazing and creepy. He won a DVD of the videos we were about to view. The creepiness was just beginning...
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Inquiring Minds Want to Know
I was just walking down my favorite street, coming home from yoga class, when I passed by two kids. I noticed the little one first. She looked to be about three. She was staring at me, so I said hi. And then I got the third degree.
Me: Hi.
Girl: What's your name?
Me: Alex.
Girl: Why do you have that thing on your leg? (tattoo)
Me: Because I think it looks nice.
Boy (about six): Why do you have a yoga mat?
Me: Because I just got out of a yoga class.
Boy: And you're going home?
Me: Yes.
Boy: Where do you live?
Me: I live over there. (I pointed. I don't give out my address, even to six year-olds)
Boy: My friend lives over there.
Me: Dale?
Boy: No.
Me: Patrick.
Boy: No.
Me: Jonas.
Boy: No.
Me: Who?
Boy: Quinn.
Me: Oh, I know Quinn. I was one of his preschool teachers. I know him very well.
Boy: Oh! Well, if you see him, tell him I said hi.
Me: What's your name?
Boy: Liam.
Girl: Anya.
Me: Okay. (to the parent I hear at the door): I'm a neighbor! (back to Liam and Anya) Bye!
Both: Bye...
Me: Hi.
Girl: What's your name?
Me: Alex.
Girl: Why do you have that thing on your leg? (tattoo)
Me: Because I think it looks nice.
Boy (about six): Why do you have a yoga mat?
Me: Because I just got out of a yoga class.
Boy: And you're going home?
Me: Yes.
Boy: Where do you live?
Me: I live over there. (I pointed. I don't give out my address, even to six year-olds)
Boy: My friend lives over there.
Me: Dale?
Boy: No.
Me: Patrick.
Boy: No.
Me: Jonas.
Boy: No.
Me: Who?
Boy: Quinn.
Me: Oh, I know Quinn. I was one of his preschool teachers. I know him very well.
Boy: Oh! Well, if you see him, tell him I said hi.
Me: What's your name?
Boy: Liam.
Girl: Anya.
Me: Okay. (to the parent I hear at the door): I'm a neighbor! (back to Liam and Anya) Bye!
Both: Bye...
Friday, August 11, 2006
faux pas
My friend Courtney read my blog and thought it was very cute of me to ask if that bag was a Coach. She said she thought that that was akin to asking if something from Chanel was from the Gap. Ha! Listen, I read my People mag just as faithfully as anyone else, and I know all the stars have those bags, but when I see them I just cringe, so I don't even think about the price.
I was curious, though, so I Googled Chloe bags. Yowsa. You can get them at Needless Markups for about a thousand dollars. Wow. For those of us in the lower tax bracket, you can get a mini padlock keychain for $180. Or a crystal trim one for $615. Btw, the padlock is their signature. They are laughing all the way to the bank, I'm sure. Oh, and you can also get a bag made from a python. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to vomit.
I was curious, though, so I Googled Chloe bags. Yowsa. You can get them at Needless Markups for about a thousand dollars. Wow. For those of us in the lower tax bracket, you can get a mini padlock keychain for $180. Or a crystal trim one for $615. Btw, the padlock is their signature. They are laughing all the way to the bank, I'm sure. Oh, and you can also get a bag made from a python. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to vomit.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Purse snatchers, beware!
In my travels, I am always seeing people and/or things I want to photograph. I hesitate, for fear of a negative reaction. I got such a reaction from a guy once who had a heart-shaped hole in his shirt I wanted to take a picture of. His girlfriend was also a photographer and was into it, but he wasn't. After that I figured I wouldn't ask anyone anything anymore.
Till today. I spotted one of those big bulky purses that are so popular these days. What caught my eye, besides the garish green color, was the gold padlock that adorned the front of the purse. I could not take my eyes off of it. Who on earth designed that purse??? How did he or she come up with it? Thought process of the designer: "I need something...strong... indestructable...shiny! I need protection from purse snatchers! I know! What could be stronger than a padlock?!"
I gathered up all my nerve and said to the owner of the safe on her lap, "I've been looking at your bag this whole ride. Is that a Coach?" She told me it was a Chloe. I said, "Can I take a picture of it for reference?" I didn't tell her the reference was for my blog. She was only too happy to oblige. So here it is. I still can't believe it. Thoug
hts? 
Till today. I spotted one of those big bulky purses that are so popular these days. What caught my eye, besides the garish green color, was the gold padlock that adorned the front of the purse. I could not take my eyes off of it. Who on earth designed that purse??? How did he or she come up with it? Thought process of the designer: "I need something...strong... indestructable...shiny! I need protection from purse snatchers! I know! What could be stronger than a padlock?!"
I gathered up all my nerve and said to the owner of the safe on her lap, "I've been looking at your bag this whole ride. Is that a Coach?" She told me it was a Chloe. I said, "Can I take a picture of it for reference?" I didn't tell her the reference was for my blog. She was only too happy to oblige. So here it is. I still can't believe it. Thoug
hts? 
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Paws to consider
I'm on FIRE today with the blog entries! Gotta get off my duff, but had to post this one picture of my Fuffy's paws. I love to touch them, but she doesn't like it. She'll bite.
One of those getting to know you things
I copied this from someone's blog, and answered it myself:
1. How old do you wish you were?
I like the age I am (38).
2. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was in Japan. One of my former nursery school students, who is Japanese and was about 10 at the time, called me and said, "Alex, turn on the TV. An airplane flew into the two tall buildings." 9/11 didn't affect me like it did the people who were in America. Before 9/11, when I told Japanese people I was from New York, they said, "Cool!" After 9/11, they said, "I'm sorry."
3. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
I say, "Goddammit!" and I hit the machine.
4. Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes.
5. If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be?
Good question for me, eh? My next tat is a stereotypical sailor tattoo. It will be a heart with a banner that says, "Mom." To honor my mom, who passed away 16 years ago, and also because I think she would get a kick out of it.
6. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Japanese.
7. Do you know your neighbors?
Yes, very well. I love my house and my neighborhood.
8. What do you consider a vacation?
Not being at work. Like now, I'm on vacation. Even if all I do is errands and nap.
9. Do you follow your horoscope?
Religiously.
10. Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes.
11. Are you touchy feely?
Depends on the vibe I get. Usually, yes.
12. Do you believe that opposites attract?
Yes.
13. Dream job?
I love my job now, but...some of my dream jobs include writer, actor, first ever really petite top model.
14. Favorite channels?
HGTV (Home and Garden channel), TLC, whatever channels Dateline, The Apprentice, American Idol, and Project Runway are on.
15. Favorite place to go on a weekend?
'Round here. I'm a homebody.
16. Showers or bath?
Depends on my mood. I do both.
17. Do you paint your nails?
Not my fingernails, they ruin too easily because I work with my hands and I love to do dishes. I get pedicures semi regularly in the summer.
18. Do you trust people easily?
Yes and no. Again, I go with the vibe I get.
19. What are your phobias?
Moths, things that fly and hop at the same time (grasshoppers, locusts), open staircases, bats getting into my apartment and flying above my loft bed, very close to my head. Guess I have a thing about things that fly, huh?
20. Do you want kids?
It would be nice, but I'm surrounded by kids all the time, so I'm not lacking for kid energy.
21. Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Nope. I have all my thoughts in my head.
22. Where would you rather be right now?
Than here? Nowhere.
23. What makes you feel warm and safe?
A cuppa English tea with lots of milk and sugar, and my fleece throw.
24. Heavy or light sleep?
Light.
25. Are you paranoid?
Why? What do you want from me?
26. Are you impatient?
No. Very patient. Except with vending machines.
27. Who can you relate to?
Oprah Winfrey. A fabulous woman who grew up poor.
28. How do you feel about interracial couples?
Fine. I've dated many different races.
29. Have you been burned by love?
Yes.
30. What's your life motto?
From my nursery school: Have fun, be safe, and use your imagination.
31. What's your main ringtone on your mobile?
It goes like this: da da da da da da da, da da da da...
32. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading a book I had realized I had already read before, but finished it anyway.
33. Who was your last text message from?
A guy I once dated, who turned out to be married.
34. Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine own.
35. What color shirt are you wearing?
Grey.
36. Most recent movie you watched?
I'm terrible at this question. Uh...I think it was that date one with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. I got free passes, and was glad I hadn't paid for it.
37. Name five things you have on you at all times?
Grammar police: this is not a question. In any case,
1) iPod
2) wallet
3) keys
4) plastic case that holds first aid stuff: band aids, tissues, Advil, Chapstick, Purell
5) new digital camera
38. What color are your bed sheets?
Light aquamarine.
39. How much cash do you have on you right now?
Let me check: $8 in bills, $2.21 in change, and 2 tokens. The quarters will go in the laundry jar.
40. What is your favorite part of the chicken?
Boneless breast.
41. What is your favorite town/city?
Shibuya: Tokyo, Japan.
42. I can't wait till...
I hear from the love of my life.
I turn 40. I'm going to throw a fabulous party!
I get my next tat.
My debts are paid off.
I sell my first book.
43. Who got you to join MySpace?
Hmm...was this list of questions written by a 16 year old MySpacer? I don't like to think about MySpace because it makes me think of sexual predators.
44. What did you have for dinner last night?
A chicken teriyaki wrap.
45. How tall are you barefoot?
5'1"
46. Have you ever smoked crack?
Actually, my best friend and I did when we were in high school, but we did it wrong. Thank god.
47. Do you own a gun?
I used to own a glue gun, but I sold it at a yard sale.
48. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
English tea with lots of milk and sugar.
49. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
To lure in anyone, I'll use charm and flirting.
50. Do you have A.D.D?
What? Random question. Answer: no.
51. What time did you wake up today?
7:00 am. Like I do every day, even on vacation.
52. Current worry?
Is my cat scratching herself more than usual, and is it due to her heart medication, and why didn't I notice it sooner, and am I a terrible mother?
53. Current hate?
Baggers at the grocery store who put all the heavy things in one bag, and all light things in another.
54. Favorite place to be?
On the glider on my porch. Think I'll go there after this.
55. Where would you like to travel?
Back to Japan. It's been 6 years.
56. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
Either right here, or in a condo I've bought, close to here. Working on my second book.
57. Last thing you ate?
Vinegar and sea salt potato chips. Ick!!! I tried them because my friend had them.
58. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Anything that comes to mind.
59. Last person that made you laugh?
Last person who made me laugh? A little girl at a wedding who was dancing very well to klezmar music.
60. Worst injury you ever had?
I got bit in the arse by a German Shepherd when I was 10 and the size of a 7 year old. He shook me like a rag doll.
61. Does someone have a crush on you?
Yeah, but the feeling's not mutual. Sigh...
62. What is your favorite candy?
Snickers with almonds.
1. How old do you wish you were?
I like the age I am (38).
2. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was in Japan. One of my former nursery school students, who is Japanese and was about 10 at the time, called me and said, "Alex, turn on the TV. An airplane flew into the two tall buildings." 9/11 didn't affect me like it did the people who were in America. Before 9/11, when I told Japanese people I was from New York, they said, "Cool!" After 9/11, they said, "I'm sorry."
3. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
I say, "Goddammit!" and I hit the machine.
4. Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes.
5. If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be?
Good question for me, eh? My next tat is a stereotypical sailor tattoo. It will be a heart with a banner that says, "Mom." To honor my mom, who passed away 16 years ago, and also because I think she would get a kick out of it.
6. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Japanese.
7. Do you know your neighbors?
Yes, very well. I love my house and my neighborhood.
8. What do you consider a vacation?
Not being at work. Like now, I'm on vacation. Even if all I do is errands and nap.
9. Do you follow your horoscope?
Religiously.
10. Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes.
11. Are you touchy feely?
Depends on the vibe I get. Usually, yes.
12. Do you believe that opposites attract?
Yes.
13. Dream job?
I love my job now, but...some of my dream jobs include writer, actor, first ever really petite top model.
14. Favorite channels?
HGTV (Home and Garden channel), TLC, whatever channels Dateline, The Apprentice, American Idol, and Project Runway are on.
15. Favorite place to go on a weekend?
'Round here. I'm a homebody.
16. Showers or bath?
Depends on my mood. I do both.
17. Do you paint your nails?
Not my fingernails, they ruin too easily because I work with my hands and I love to do dishes. I get pedicures semi regularly in the summer.
18. Do you trust people easily?
Yes and no. Again, I go with the vibe I get.
19. What are your phobias?
Moths, things that fly and hop at the same time (grasshoppers, locusts), open staircases, bats getting into my apartment and flying above my loft bed, very close to my head. Guess I have a thing about things that fly, huh?
20. Do you want kids?
It would be nice, but I'm surrounded by kids all the time, so I'm not lacking for kid energy.
21. Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Nope. I have all my thoughts in my head.
22. Where would you rather be right now?
Than here? Nowhere.
23. What makes you feel warm and safe?
A cuppa English tea with lots of milk and sugar, and my fleece throw.
24. Heavy or light sleep?
Light.
25. Are you paranoid?
Why? What do you want from me?
26. Are you impatient?
No. Very patient. Except with vending machines.
27. Who can you relate to?
Oprah Winfrey. A fabulous woman who grew up poor.
28. How do you feel about interracial couples?
Fine. I've dated many different races.
29. Have you been burned by love?
Yes.
30. What's your life motto?
From my nursery school: Have fun, be safe, and use your imagination.
31. What's your main ringtone on your mobile?
It goes like this: da da da da da da da, da da da da...
32. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading a book I had realized I had already read before, but finished it anyway.
33. Who was your last text message from?
A guy I once dated, who turned out to be married.
34. Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine own.
35. What color shirt are you wearing?
Grey.
36. Most recent movie you watched?
I'm terrible at this question. Uh...I think it was that date one with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. I got free passes, and was glad I hadn't paid for it.
37. Name five things you have on you at all times?
Grammar police: this is not a question. In any case,
1) iPod
2) wallet
3) keys
4) plastic case that holds first aid stuff: band aids, tissues, Advil, Chapstick, Purell
5) new digital camera
38. What color are your bed sheets?
Light aquamarine.
39. How much cash do you have on you right now?
Let me check: $8 in bills, $2.21 in change, and 2 tokens. The quarters will go in the laundry jar.
40. What is your favorite part of the chicken?
Boneless breast.
41. What is your favorite town/city?
Shibuya: Tokyo, Japan.
42. I can't wait till...
I hear from the love of my life.
I turn 40. I'm going to throw a fabulous party!
I get my next tat.
My debts are paid off.
I sell my first book.
43. Who got you to join MySpace?
Hmm...was this list of questions written by a 16 year old MySpacer? I don't like to think about MySpace because it makes me think of sexual predators.
44. What did you have for dinner last night?
A chicken teriyaki wrap.
45. How tall are you barefoot?
5'1"
46. Have you ever smoked crack?
Actually, my best friend and I did when we were in high school, but we did it wrong. Thank god.
47. Do you own a gun?
I used to own a glue gun, but I sold it at a yard sale.
48. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
English tea with lots of milk and sugar.
49. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
To lure in anyone, I'll use charm and flirting.
50. Do you have A.D.D?
What? Random question. Answer: no.
51. What time did you wake up today?
7:00 am. Like I do every day, even on vacation.
52. Current worry?
Is my cat scratching herself more than usual, and is it due to her heart medication, and why didn't I notice it sooner, and am I a terrible mother?
53. Current hate?
Baggers at the grocery store who put all the heavy things in one bag, and all light things in another.
54. Favorite place to be?
On the glider on my porch. Think I'll go there after this.
55. Where would you like to travel?
Back to Japan. It's been 6 years.
56. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
Either right here, or in a condo I've bought, close to here. Working on my second book.
57. Last thing you ate?
Vinegar and sea salt potato chips. Ick!!! I tried them because my friend had them.
58. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Anything that comes to mind.
59. Last person that made you laugh?
Last person who made me laugh? A little girl at a wedding who was dancing very well to klezmar music.
60. Worst injury you ever had?
I got bit in the arse by a German Shepherd when I was 10 and the size of a 7 year old. He shook me like a rag doll.
61. Does someone have a crush on you?
Yeah, but the feeling's not mutual. Sigh...
62. What is your favorite candy?
Snickers with almonds.
Brassiere Talk
I went to Lady Grace yesterday, the local intimate apparel store. The women who work there know their stuff.
Some things I learned:
* Get measured professionally.
* You are probably running around in the wrong size bra.
* You're probably bigger than you think. Deal.
* A bra is supposed to be tight and be able to hold those suckers in! Go from the outsidemost hook to the innermost.
* Try on at least 10 bras to see which ones you really like.
* Good bras are expensive.
* A bra will last only 6 mos. to a year, if handwashed. Do not use Woolite; it will ruin the straps. How many of us wear bras for years before replacing them??
Happy shopping!
Some things I learned:
* Get measured professionally.
* You are probably running around in the wrong size bra.
* You're probably bigger than you think. Deal.
* A bra is supposed to be tight and be able to hold those suckers in! Go from the outsidemost hook to the innermost.
* Try on at least 10 bras to see which ones you really like.
* Good bras are expensive.
* A bra will last only 6 mos. to a year, if handwashed. Do not use Woolite; it will ruin the straps. How many of us wear bras for years before replacing them??
Happy shopping!
Clothing Adjuster
Hey folks, remember that job I told you about, Clothing Adjuster? I got to do it at a wedding last weekend, my dream come true. I was one of the photographers, and I felt like I could take some liberties. I buttoned a button on a woman's dress, fixed the hair of three women (with their permission, of course), and adjusted peoples' hands for photos. I did not brush the dandruff off the old man's dark jacket, nor did I tell him to do it himself, though I really wanted to.
Friday, August 04, 2006
More Shelby Positions
This is called Hide Face.
It's pretty self-explanatory.
This is Measure. When she sleeps like this I always want to take
measuring tape and see how long she is, because she's fully
stretched out and she looks so long! She's scared of tape measures, though, so I never measure her.
This is Tummy. I hesitated to putthis picture up, because it's not the
most becoming one of my precious feline,
but it is one of her positions, so up
it goes. Sorry, Shelby. Mommy won't
give you so many treats.
Last but not least, this is my favorite position. It's called Slug,
because to me she looks exactly like a slug, a blob of fluff and fat.
When Shelby is in the slug position, it means she's in
a very deep sleep. I never disturb her when she's in Slug.
You may have noticed that all of these pictures were taken
in the same room. It's the bathroom, one of her favorite
places to rest. Good night, Shelby, sweet slug dreams!
Language of the future
I have said to many people:
"I'll send you the link to my blog."
I say it, and they understand it. Amazing. I still can't believe it's a real sentence.
"I'll send you the link to my blog."
I say it, and they understand it. Amazing. I still can't believe it's a real sentence.
Monday, July 31, 2006
New Position
I name Shelby's positions. I've never done this with my cats before. It's just that she rotates the same 5 or 6 ones over and over, and they're so easy to name. This is the first position I named. This is Sasquatch. She looks so regal and puffy when she does this. She is alert and in charge.
This is Crosspaws. She does this when she relaxes a bit and lets her guard down. Her left ear is slightly back; she was a little annoyed at me for taking this picture in her relaxed state.
This is Lady Godiva. Notice the rear left foot position. I have never seen a cat extend a rear foot this way. I've seen dogs do it, even a rabbit once, but never a cat. Such a lady.
This is the rarely seen Crosspaws Lady Godiva Combination. Again, note the extension of the rear leg, this time the right one. She is elegant and relaxed, and expects me to admire her and feed her salmon flavored treats.More Shelby positions, including my favorite one, next time!
Next Time You See a Kindly Old Man...Think Twice
Yesterday I was on the subway, and I sat across from what looked like a kindly old man, about 70-75 years old. He was wearing a suit, had a tan that would make George Hamilton proud, white hair, and a big gold ring. I was wearing a tee shirt and a skirt that made the tattoo on my calf stand out.
As I sat down, then man looked at me and made a face that said, "Wow, I didn't expect to see that huge tattoo, but there it is!" He smiled at me, and I smiled back, kindly old man that he was.
He mouthed to me, "Beautiful." I assumed he was still talking about my tattoo. I had my earphones in my ears, so I removed them and said, "Thank you." He nodded and smiled. I smiled. I started to realize perhaps English was not his first language.
He got up to get ready for his stop, and he stood next to me because my seat was closest to the door. He patted my arm and mouthed, "I love you." Okaaaaaay, now you're getting creepy, old man. He gestured with his head toward the door, as if he was saying, "Would you like to get off with me, and perhaps we could, you know...?" I looked at him incredulously and said, "What are you thinking?" and I shook my head. Ewww. He went to touch my face, saying, "Beautiful", and I dodged him and slowly moved over to the next seat. He got off the train, and I sat there with icky feelings.
Why did he have to cross that line? Why couldn't he have just been a nice old man? How can someone make a stranger feel nice and then yucky in a matter of minutes? Eww and eww.
As I was getting off at my stop, a young man came over to me and said, "We had your back, you know. On the train, we were watching what was going on, and we were ready to step in if you needed it. Notice, I am telling you this as you're getting off the train, I'm standing a respectable distance from you, I am not touching you..." I laughed and thanked him. I hadn't known that other people were paying attention. I ranted a little bit about creepy old men, and he assured me that not all men were like that. I know, I know, but all it takes is one. I thanked him again for looking out for me. He wished me a nice day, and we parted ways. It was sweet of him to "have my back", and it gave me a little more faith in mankind.
How was your commute today?
As I sat down, then man looked at me and made a face that said, "Wow, I didn't expect to see that huge tattoo, but there it is!" He smiled at me, and I smiled back, kindly old man that he was.
He mouthed to me, "Beautiful." I assumed he was still talking about my tattoo. I had my earphones in my ears, so I removed them and said, "Thank you." He nodded and smiled. I smiled. I started to realize perhaps English was not his first language.
He got up to get ready for his stop, and he stood next to me because my seat was closest to the door. He patted my arm and mouthed, "I love you." Okaaaaaay, now you're getting creepy, old man. He gestured with his head toward the door, as if he was saying, "Would you like to get off with me, and perhaps we could, you know...?" I looked at him incredulously and said, "What are you thinking?" and I shook my head. Ewww. He went to touch my face, saying, "Beautiful", and I dodged him and slowly moved over to the next seat. He got off the train, and I sat there with icky feelings.
Why did he have to cross that line? Why couldn't he have just been a nice old man? How can someone make a stranger feel nice and then yucky in a matter of minutes? Eww and eww.
As I was getting off at my stop, a young man came over to me and said, "We had your back, you know. On the train, we were watching what was going on, and we were ready to step in if you needed it. Notice, I am telling you this as you're getting off the train, I'm standing a respectable distance from you, I am not touching you..." I laughed and thanked him. I hadn't known that other people were paying attention. I ranted a little bit about creepy old men, and he assured me that not all men were like that. I know, I know, but all it takes is one. I thanked him again for looking out for me. He wished me a nice day, and we parted ways. It was sweet of him to "have my back", and it gave me a little more faith in mankind.
How was your commute today?
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Pac Man In My Chip Bag
I got a bag of chips today and this was in it. I didn't do anything to it, it was just this way. Adorable, don't you think?
Monday, July 24, 2006
Don't Steal This Idea
I'm want to start a new job. My title will be Clothing Adjuster. The job description is this: when I spot someone in my travels whose clothing needs adjusting, I will adjust and get paid on the spot however much they want to give me.
Examples include tucking a tag back into a shirt, fixing a cuff that has gone astray, pulling down a shirt caught under a baby Bjorn, and straightening a collar. These little fixings can mean the difference between getting that job or not, and how well a date might go. Depending on how comfortable the client is, I might go a step further and straighten out that part or hand over that much needed toothpick. I can think of at least two celebrities who could have used me before the paparazzi came flashing over. With the services of a Clothing Adjuster, no one's nipple need be exposed for the world to see.
Whether someone wants to give me one dollar or ten, I will take pleasure in giving my fellow commuters' appearance the slight adjustment they might need.
Examples include tucking a tag back into a shirt, fixing a cuff that has gone astray, pulling down a shirt caught under a baby Bjorn, and straightening a collar. These little fixings can mean the difference between getting that job or not, and how well a date might go. Depending on how comfortable the client is, I might go a step further and straighten out that part or hand over that much needed toothpick. I can think of at least two celebrities who could have used me before the paparazzi came flashing over. With the services of a Clothing Adjuster, no one's nipple need be exposed for the world to see.
Whether someone wants to give me one dollar or ten, I will take pleasure in giving my fellow commuters' appearance the slight adjustment they might need.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
No Way
Just after I wrote the story about the black bug (see below), I took a shower. As I was rinsing my hair, I looked down and saw that I was sharing my shower with a big black ant, I'm not kidding. They talk to each other during the night, I'm sure of it. They plan these things.
A Bug's Life, Part 2
I seem to have a lot of encounters with insects, or maybe everyone does; I just choose to write about them.
Last night Shelby looked up at the ceiling, something she never does. She prefers to keep her center of gravity and her eyes close to the floor. Things with six legs do not interest her. Things that fly are slightly more interesting.
Up there on the wall, close to the ceiling, was a ghastly creature. It was black, long and skinny, with a pointed end and wings that made a horrible buzzing sound. I didn't know what it was, but I knew what it wasn't. It wasn't a fly, a mosquito, or a bat. It flew close to the wall so I could whack it easily if I was brave enough to. After determining that my fearless landlordwas not home by going out onto the porch and seeing that the livingroom light was not on, I knew I had to take matters into my own hands.
I grabbed the broom and whacked at the bug. No dice, it continued to fly and buzz. It flew over to my loft bed, buzzing annoyingly around my pillow. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep unless this thing was dead. I whacked it over the bed, but my positioning was awkward and it got away easily. It landed on the dresser near the TV. I hit it with the broom and it looked like it was out for the count. Just to be sure, I crept up close to it, and as I did, of course it buzzed and jumped up, causing me to scream and jump back (readers, do you sense a theme in my life here?), and it dropped down somewhere where I couldn't see it. This thing would just not die!
I asked Shelby, "Did it die, or just disappear?" She didn't know and didn't care; she was only interested in avoiding the broom. I picked up things on the floor gingerly to see if I could find a carcass. I flicked and jumped, flicked and jumped. I could not find it. I couldn't go to bed knowing that it might buzz again, so I looked for about 30 minutes until I deduced it had finally met its maker. I slept with one eye open.
This morning I got up and did my Sunday morning thing: had breakfast, read the paper, did a load of laundry. When I came back inside from the laundrymat, there was that fucking bug, alive and kicking, sitting right on my dining room table. I swear I saw it stick two legs in its ears and give me a raspberry. I took the movie section of the newspaper, rolled it up, and smacked it with the faces of Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx in a still from the new movie Miami Vice. It landed on the floor and I blew on it. Damn if it didn't kick a back leg at me! I hit it again and this time a wing came off, so I knew it was really dead. I took a picture. If you can identify this bug for me, I'll give you a hundred dollars. Well, not really, but I'll be very grateful. I've got to know what this bionic creature is. Till then, I'll check for holes in my screens.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Piles
I'm going through my piles of paper in one of the three places paper piles up in my apartment. I pick up each piece of paper and read it carefully. I sort it; Trash, Things I want to buy, Misc. I discover a piece of paper that I had written on the last time I went through my piles. I had written a list of exactly what I came across as I organized, just for kicks. I think I made this list in January 2006. Here's what the list said:
1 lei
1 Thanksgiving edition of Spare Change newspaper
4 framed pictures
10 magazines
2 mirrors
4 strings (Shelby's playthings)
9 notes to self
info sheet on flu vaccine
3 pads of scrap paper
box top ripped off so I could remember the name of the store
flyer from May 2005
1 Ziploc bag of plastic grass from sushi dinners (to be used for art projects)
tax exempt form from work
11 receipts
1 envelope of photos
card game
1 birthday card (birthday April 2005)
6 work flyers
1 order confirmation from May 2005
16 letters to friends in Japan I had hoped to visit (written in March 2005)
1 itinerary for Japan
2 postcards from The Gates exhibit in NYC
1 leather-bound notepad
1 roll of clear contact paper
1 pair of pedicure socks I've been meaning to give to a friend for about 3 months
13 articles
3 out of date flyers
3 credit reports
2 expired T passes
6 pamphlets
7 coupons
3 books
1 Metro newspaper
1 catalog
2 pay stubs
1 tiny plastic box
1 pink wig
1 giant Ziploc bag and 1 giant coffee filter for my collection of Big Things
1 candle holder
5 business cards
2 Ziploc bags of art supplies
1 candle
1 computer owner's manual
And now here I am again. Do I need all this stuff? I am very sure I could take a big trash bag, throw all the stuff in there and never miss it. But I love to sort and go through things, so I will. I find it fascinating the things that pile up. As long as I keep going through things and throwing away every few months, it doesn't get out of hand. This time it's all paper; no pink wigs or leis. I can't wait to see all the things that will go in the Things I want to buy pile...Christmas in my head!
1 lei
1 Thanksgiving edition of Spare Change newspaper
4 framed pictures
10 magazines
2 mirrors
4 strings (Shelby's playthings)
9 notes to self
info sheet on flu vaccine
3 pads of scrap paper
box top ripped off so I could remember the name of the store
flyer from May 2005
1 Ziploc bag of plastic grass from sushi dinners (to be used for art projects)
tax exempt form from work
11 receipts
1 envelope of photos
card game
1 birthday card (birthday April 2005)
6 work flyers
1 order confirmation from May 2005
16 letters to friends in Japan I had hoped to visit (written in March 2005)
1 itinerary for Japan
2 postcards from The Gates exhibit in NYC
1 leather-bound notepad
1 roll of clear contact paper
1 pair of pedicure socks I've been meaning to give to a friend for about 3 months
13 articles
3 out of date flyers
3 credit reports
2 expired T passes
6 pamphlets
7 coupons
3 books
1 Metro newspaper
1 catalog
2 pay stubs
1 tiny plastic box
1 pink wig
1 giant Ziploc bag and 1 giant coffee filter for my collection of Big Things
1 candle holder
5 business cards
2 Ziploc bags of art supplies
1 candle
1 computer owner's manual
And now here I am again. Do I need all this stuff? I am very sure I could take a big trash bag, throw all the stuff in there and never miss it. But I love to sort and go through things, so I will. I find it fascinating the things that pile up. As long as I keep going through things and throwing away every few months, it doesn't get out of hand. This time it's all paper; no pink wigs or leis. I can't wait to see all the things that will go in the Things I want to buy pile...Christmas in my head!
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
A Bug's Life
Today I was at the T station waiting for a train, and I spotted a huge beetle walking slowly on the platform. It was brown, about 2 inches long, and it had these pinchy horn things on the front of its head. It moved very slowly, but steadily. I grabbed my camera from my backpack and waited for it to make its way to the yellow safety line so I could get a good background for my shot.
I took the picture and watched as the beetle continued to the edge of the platform. Suddenly it fell off the edge and landed on its back, poor thing. I hate the sight of a bug on its back, all six legs flailing in the air, helpless. I looked around for a stick so I could flip it over, but I couldn't find one. I decided to just flip it over with the toe of my sneaker. I touched it with my foot, and it grabbed onto my sneaker, causing me to scream and flail about with my two legs. I looked around, thinking it might be on me somewhere, but as it turned out it had landed on my backpack. I wanted it off, but I sure wasn't going to use my foot this time. I spotted a man sitting on a bench nearby and decided to ask for his help, even though I was embarassed as hell, because he had seen the whole thing.
I dragged my backpack by the strap towards him, and discovered he was someone I knew; a former parent at my preschool. We exchanged greetings and I asked for his assistance. He said he thought it was a mouse on the train track that I had been screaming about. At that moment the train came, so I asked him if he could just flick it off quickly so we could get on the train. He flicked it just as the train pulled up and the doors opened. The beetle landed safely on the platform under the bench. On its back.
I took the picture and watched as the beetle continued to the edge of the platform. Suddenly it fell off the edge and landed on its back, poor thing. I hate the sight of a bug on its back, all six legs flailing in the air, helpless. I looked around for a stick so I could flip it over, but I couldn't find one. I decided to just flip it over with the toe of my sneaker. I touched it with my foot, and it grabbed onto my sneaker, causing me to scream and flail about with my two legs. I looked around, thinking it might be on me somewhere, but as it turned out it had landed on my backpack. I wanted it off, but I sure wasn't going to use my foot this time. I spotted a man sitting on a bench nearby and decided to ask for his help, even though I was embarassed as hell, because he had seen the whole thing.
I dragged my backpack by the strap towards him, and discovered he was someone I knew; a former parent at my preschool. We exchanged greetings and I asked for his assistance. He said he thought it was a mouse on the train track that I had been screaming about. At that moment the train came, so I asked him if he could just flick it off quickly so we could get on the train. He flicked it just as the train pulled up and the doors opened. The beetle landed safely on the platform under the bench. On its back.
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